Aaron Rodgers part I: Make the pain go away…
Everything
was set up so god-damned perfectly.
The Green Bay Packers were playing the Chicago Bears on Monday Night
Football at Lambeau Field. Well,
not quite perfectly as Jay Cutler was out with a “Groin” Injury(he pulled it
once and it felt so good he pulled it again. Sorry, shitty old joke alert) and I like it when the Packers
beat the Bears fair and square and get to rub it in Jay Cutler’s whiny, little
face and so there’s no crying from south of the border(that’s a reference to
Illinois, where Chicago is, for all those who are geographically challenged; or
who grew up on the West Coast because for some fucking reason the people out
there were taught NOTHING of America’s Heartland and if their planes didn’t
always land in the right places,
they wouldn’t find fucking anything ever). But still, it was pretty awesome since Jay Cutler would’ve
just laid a turd anyhow like he had in every game since the Packers beat the
Bears in the 2010 NFC Championship game, which, of course, Jay Cutler got hurt
in. Which, naturally, happens
every time he starts to stink up the joint, but nevertheless, this is not about
how much I hate Jay Cutler(who texted his marriage proposal to his future wife
and then Fed-exed the ring to her, which she didn’t even care to open right
away, even though he could have fucking asked her in person since she was just
at his house earlier that day) but about how much I love Aaron Rodgers(which,
consequently, is not as much as my girlfriend loves Aaron Rodgers. I would be a little pissed about this
if he wasn’t so tall and fucking good-looking and funny and talented and, oh
yeah, the quarterback for the GREEN BAY FUCKING PACKERS! Needless to say, its almost a point of
pride for me that my girlfriend wants to fuck Aaron Rodgers, yeah,
almost…).
So, the stage was set, and man, was
I excited all day. I had to work
at six o’clock that morning and started my countdown immediately; only eleven
and a half hours til kickoff! Yes,
for all of those keeping score, that means I live on the West Coast, in
Portland of all fucking places, but I won’t go into that here… All day I annoyed the shit out of my
co-workers with my half-hour announcements; only eight hours til kickoff! All day I pined to be at Lambeau
cooking brats and drinking beers with the Packers faithful; only five hours til
kickoff! I told stories of the
Packers-Bears game I got to go to in 1996, the magical season of Brett Favre’s
Super Bowl win, and how it was in December and it was fucking nine hundred
below(or actually 15 degrees above zero, fahrenheit, but that’s still fucking
cold when you’re sitting on a metal bench and the only things to keep you warm
being your love of Packers football, the excitement of actually being able to be
at a game and the body heat emanating off the fat guy next to you who is taking
up half your seat); only one hour til kickoff! And then, finally, as I was about to cum in my pants, it
started! And Aaron Rodgers(I don’t
know why but I feel like I have to call him by his full name almost
every time. It feels weird not to
since I don’t know him personally and he’s so famous and deity-like) marched us
right down the field against those shitty Bears and it was awesome. But then, all of the sudden, on what initially
looked like a routine sack, our worst fears were realized with the one thing
that could derail this magical season…
Aaron Rodgers was hurt… At
first, we didn’t think much of it, figuring he would be back in on the next
drive. But it kept looking worse
and worse until finally, he jogged to the locker room. I was watching the game with my
girlfriend, and we just kinda looked at each other, not really knowing how to
react. Here was the man who kept
this team together, and winning despite the injuries to what seems like EVERY
other fucking major contributor on the team, at some point in this season. I’m talking about Bryan Bulaga, Morgan
Burnett, Clay Matthews(TWICE), Nick Perry, Randall Cobb, James Jones, Dujuan
Harris, James Starks, Jermichael Finley, Brad Jones, Eddie Lacy, Casey Hayward;
who have all missed games this season.
And, despite all of this, the Packers just reeled off four wins in a
row, and barely missed the one before that. He just kept making all the pain go away. Aaron Rodgers was kicking ass and
fucking taking names. It didn’t
matter who was on the field with him, you just always felt that Aaron(I’m going
to try to stop referring to him by his full name all the time as I’m sure it’s
pretty fucking annoying; but ooohh, it kinda just gave me shivers, it’s weird
but I’ll give it a shot) was going to find them and get them the ball and
somehow win every game. But,
suddenly, that was all gone. When
Rodgers jogged off the field, our attention, collectively as a state I’m sure,
turned immediately from the game to Aaron Rodgers’ health. It was all we could think about. There was still a game happening and it
was still close, so, we got behind the guys and cheered for them and cheered a
ton for Eddie Lacy, who was just a beast from start to finish; but it wasn’t
the same. The Packers went on to,
predictably, lose the game, but it didn’t hurt the way it normally would. And it wasn’t until the next day, just
like with the players, when the real pain set in…
Like many of the Green and Gold
faithful, I was worried about Aaron and when he would get back, scared about
the implications of this injury for our season and whether we could still make
the playoffs and on and on. There
was no immediate information available on his collarbone and that made us
nervous. Some began to panic and,
almost, but not quite, rightfully so.
The scariest part of any ordeal is not knowing. Once, we found out it was a fractured
clavicle or whatever, we could start to plan ahead and try to move on. But again, this wasn’t just another
injury, this was THE injury. The
one we might not be able to overcome.
It was a very trying couple of days. I, and I know I’m not the only one, began looking at the
schedule trying to figure out that, ok, if we can just win one or two of the
games without Aaron maybe we can still make the playoffs as long as he’s back
by December to win out, and ultimately, beat the Bears at Soldier Field. A thousand different scenarios went
through my, and Packers Nation’s, head.
But then Wednesday rolled around something changed for me. A certain, inexplicable calm came about
me. I had been too wrapped up in
the negative and completely lost perspective on the positive. These are the Green Bay Packers, my
team(Yes, I am a stockholder), the winningest and most storied franchise in the
NFL, and it’s my job, as a lifelong fan, to be supportive and positve. And, besides, the season is only half
over. There’s no need to lose any
hope, or sleep, yet… That’s when a few things became very clear to me:
1.
We have Mike McCarthy.
And if anyone can get this team, and more importantly Seneca Wallace and
Scott Tolzien(and now Matt Flynn, once again), ready for this tough challenge,
it’s him.
2.
Seneca Wallace has been a quarterback in the NFL for a long time
so he definitely has quite a bit of talent and the Packers believed in him
enough to pick him up. I trust
that the Packers personnel department knows exactly what they are doing and a
thousand times more than me, who am I to doubt them. Scott Tolzien led the Badgers to a Rose Bowl, so he must
know a thing or two about football.
And Matt Flynn played a good game once, and made a fuck ton of money off
the strength of that one game.
3.
If, no, when the Packers overcome this enormous challenge,
there will be nothing that they cannot overcome and will definitely win the
Super Bowl come February.
4.
(I try to have all my lists have four points, since that was,
and in my mind still is, Favre’s
number and the best number EVER) Aaron Rodgers has done so much for this
franchise that it’s unfair for me to be the slightest bit angry or whatever
about any of this. I feel
incredibly lucky to have him on our side(praise be to the Lord Almighty we
don’t have to play against him) and will never forget that…
Aaron Rodgers part II: How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways…
To expound upon point Favre, I mean four, Aaron
Rodgers had the impossible task of taking over for the most famous, most
popular, most exciting and most beloved player, not only in Green Bay, but in the
ENTIRE FUCKING NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
He was set up almost surely to fail, as no one could possibly fill those
enormous shoes(and there’s some masseuses in New York who would say that’s not
the only enormous, um, thing…).
And, as a side note, if you didn’t already know(and how would you, you
don’t know me. And I’m not saying
that in a Jerry Springer kind of “You Don’t Know Me” way, but in a normal, as we have never fucking met
ever kind of way), Brett Favre is, BY FAR, my favorite player to ever play the
great game of football. He is my
ultimate hero. He is my
childhood. There is no one on
Earth that I idolize more than Brett Favre. And I was devastated to see him leave the Green Bay Packers,
so, I, perhaps more than most, was very critical of Rodgers. But that has all changed. Aaron Rodgers has not only met and
shouldered the unbearable expectations unfairly heaved upon him; he has
surpassed them. No one could have
imagined(except Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy, of course) that Rodgers would make
Packers fans the luckiest fans in the world in that we have had, during my
lifetime, not one, but two, back-to-back even, once-in-a-generation type
players leading the Green Bay Packers.
I love Aaron Rodgers, I do, and I am no longer afraid to say it. It doesn’t mean that I love Brett Favre
any less, as I once thought it would; it only means that I have more love to
give and I can indeed love two men in my lifetime. Like a widower(or Cher in that terrible excuse for a song
“Believe” that was fucking everywhere in 1998. And if you don’t remember it, then thank God, as its only
marginally better than “Who Dunnit?” by Genesis, whom I love, but is, by far,
the worst fucking song I’ve ever heard and is like the fucking chicken pox, or
its big brother herpes, once its in your system, its there forever and keeps
popping up at the wrong moments, like, “Come on herpes, give me a break. I’m trying to nail this drunk chick
before she sobers up and sees I’m not the hot guy she was dancing with earlier,
as he left with a hotter girl with lower self-esteem, and I swooped in for the
easy pickings, but she’s clearly out of my league even still.” Fucking herpes, that shits for
life. And, by the way, since we’re
on the topic, if you are going to get herpes, please do it in a big city
because getting herpes in a small town sucks a hairy, sweaty nutsack, which is
super fucking gross, if you didn’t know.
I mean, not that I’ve ever done it, I haven’t I swear, I’m not a crack head or anything, but
even just thought of it, I mean, just, eww, fucking eww.
Even straight ladies and gay dudes can’t like doing that, I would
imagine. Of course, there are
always some freaks out there and I’m sure you could find them on Craigslist if,
for some reason, you wanted your hairy, sweaty nutsack sucked… But anyways, in the tiny town that I
grew up in, only three thousand people, a girl I went to High School with found
out she had herpes. By the end of
the week everyone in town knew about it and she was cast off like a leper from
society. I almost felt bad, but
she did sex up some nasty dudes, so she kind of had it coming. So, fuck it, I’m not the terrible
person, she is), I am finding life and love once again.
Rodgers is, in many ways, the antithesis to Brett
Favre. The yin for his yang(not a
cock reference, by the way). And
in this regard, I initially thought he was perhaps nothing more than a rebound
fuck. He was everything Brett
wasn’t and almost nothing that Brett was, it seemed; besides an amazing
quarterback playing for the greatest team in the whole world: the Green Bay Packers. I was so hurt by Brett leaving us, as
many were, and needed someone different to pick up the pieces of my shattered
life. That was Aaron. But seeing as we’re going on six years
together, I must finally commit to this relationship and admit to myself what
it really is. And the more I watch
Aaron Rodgers play, the more of Brett I see in him. It’s the courage, both in the pocket and with his throws
down the field. It’s the
poise. When the biggest moments
are upon him, he’s not fazed and
he doesn’t falter. But most of
all, it’s the ability to put not just an entire team, but the entire state of
Wisconsin and the many, many Packers fans around the world, upon his shoulders
and WIN. Sustained success in the
NFL is not an easy task, by any means.
As a matter of fact, its fucking hard as shit. And I am not saying that these two men are solely
responsible for all the past, present and future success of the Green Bay
Packers, as there are countless other people(Mike Holmgren, Ron Wolf, Ted
Thompson, Mike McCarthy and the entire staffs of these men plus all the players
that have come(or gone to Minnesota), etc. etc.)responsible as well. But if the past couple weeks without
Aaron Rodgers, as we NEVER had to go without Brett Favre for more than a couple
of quarters(297 starts in a fucking row!
Counting those other teams he played for, but still, goddamn it, that is
unbelievably fucking amazing…), has taught us anything, we should be thanking
God(and Ted Thompson) for number 12.
We’ve seen where we’d be without him, and I just don’t think I could
take the heartbreak. No Packers
fan wants to revisit the 70’s and 80’s.
We love you Aaron; just stay the fuck away from our girlfriends… You handsome devil, you…
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