Well, I finally got to see the one and only Mike Trout and man did he blow away my expectations. Unfortunately, I was in LA a few days early so the Angels were hosting the Rangers instead of my beloved Milwaukee Brewers (who they play the next few nights) but it was everything I could've wanted and then some. Trout not only saved a run on defense with his ridiculous arm but hit two home runs in a 3-1 Angels win. Basically, he won the game all by his fucking self. And he makes it look so easy. I can assure you that playing in the greatest league in the world shouldn't be so easy but it is for Trout. And the very next night all he did was respond to getting plunked by hitting a grand fucking slam during his next at bat. Magical. Just fucking magical. But this isn't a baseball blog (I'm not a big enough fan of math for that) so I digress...
Tonight, I'd like to address a rather touchy topic in the Rock N' Roll world: Van Hagar. First, a few facts about me. I was born in the late 80's and grew up in the 90's. I grew up with anything previous to the 90's being referred to as "classic rock." The first, and only, Van Halen record I heard on the radio was "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge." They say you never forget your first, and I still have fond memories of those songs. I didn't know any better. I didn't know they existed before this, and with another singer. I could only process those songs at face value. And look, I get that this was not anywhere near the peak of their powers. It wasn't even the best Van Hagar album. "5150" holds that title. Seriously, listen to THIS SHIT. But, it was the first one I heard. And, judged on its own merits, "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" is a damn good album. Is it "1984?" No, but that's not what I was judging it against in the early 90's as I was developing my musical taste. I judged it based on whether it rocked and the tunes were memorable. And they were. If you can set aside judgements based off comparisons, Van Hagar is actually pretty fucking awesome. Am I crazy or DOES "RIGHT NOW" ROCK PRETTY FUCKING HARD.
And look, I see the flip side. I had a friend whose hill he chose to die on was that Damn Yankees was way better than anything Ted Nugent did on his own. And again, Damn Yankees did rock. They did occasionally roll as well but they were not the steamroller of Rock N' Roll and sexual energy that Ted Nugent was. They, in fact, kind of sucked comparatively. But that's the key word, "comparatively." Had Styx, Night Ranger and, of course, Ted Nugent not existed previously, we would have been like "damn, those yankees can fucking rock it." But all we did was piddle on the parade since it was kind of schlocky 80's ballad-y type shit. But IS THIS WHERE MAEBY FROM "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" GOT HER NAMESAKE? We might never know...
But, back to Van Hagar, how is THIS SHIT NOT SUPPOSED TO MELT A RURAL WISCONSIN BOY'S 12 YEAR OLD HEART WHEN HE FINDS IT? Back in the day all these albums came via BMG music's 12 for 1 deal. I can't count how many times I signed up to get that promo and promptly quit the "club." I remember getting those letters/brochures and going through and checking off the albums I would get for my "free" CD's after I paid like $30 for the first one. I remember ordering some really random shit if there wasn't anything I wanted past the first 9 or 10. I got a Britney Spears album ("...Baby One More Time"), a Mandy Moore album ("So Real") and a Jennifer Lopez album ("On the 6," which coincidentally I would spend a fuckload of time on the 6 train when I lived on the upper, upper east side). I was also probably the only 10 year old who ever ordered a Bruce Hornsby record (though it was a mistake as I checked the box I thought was an Aerosmith live album but which turned out was not...). I think the most random album I ordered was still the Corrs "In Blue" as I had no clue what it was but had a vague idea of hearing a song of theirs once. But, of course, "BREATHLESS" KICKS FUCKING ASS. It was probably due to the hot girl on the cover. 10 or 11 year olds can be very easily won over. The album I wish I didn't lose when my mom lost her house was the New Radicals "Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too." "YOU ONLY GET WHAT YOU GIVE" IS UNDENIABLY BRILLIANT. What am I talking about anymore?
Wait, the Brewers are playing the Angels and MelonTheFelon is also streaming. Also, I need pizza. Bourbon is delicious but even better with pizza. Fuck being lactose-intolerant. Lactaid motherfuckers!
(dictated but not read)
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