A lot of people may not know this, but I happen to be quite famous. Good-looking and talented as well. Go ahead ladies and gents, look it up. Google it. I'll wait... Satisfied? Now, I would like to have a little poo on that perception with my beautiful words; as I am wont to do...
(Note: This blog contains adult language, Asperger's talk and brilliant opinions. For more info on me, my music and my more recent blogs, visit www.bradleywik.com)
Also, our music video release party will be held at the Lake Theater in Lake Oswego, OR Friday, November 9th. Music from Sara Morris, Brianne Kathleen and Bradley Wik will start at 8pm followed by commentary from director/writer of said videos, Kevin Pietila, before we show both “Lookin’ at Luckey” and “Let’s Go Out Tonight” on the BIG SCREEN!!! Fun is guaranteed to be had by all. Music, booze, amazing music videos, what else do you need?! Oh, a sexy host, you might say. Well, don’t you worry, Bradley will be there and may or may not take his pants off… Just sayin’…
There are good days, and there are bad days. Sometimes, both in one day. I started out having a good day but it has quickly turned into the opposite. There's not even some event or something that happened that made it so; it just went shitty. Maybe I was thinking about how Scott Hutchison killed himself and how inevitable that seemed. Maybe I was thinking about Trump and all the bullshit (too many things to list) that goes along with that. Maybe I was wondering why things were going well in my music career and tried to self-sabotage. Who knows... But, what I do know is that I try and remember the things I am grateful for in these moments. There are innumerable things I can be happy about and I'm trying my damnedest these days to keep them in mind.
Take, for instance, the fact that I have a second music video (our first off "In My Youth, I'm Getting Old..." can be viewed HERE) coming out on Halloween. It's for "Let's Go Out Tonight" and the video is, well, I won't give it away, but it's related to the ghoulish holiday. That's pretty fucking awesome.
I've gotten lots of love and support for these videos; again, which is awesome.
I'm playing a video release show (my first show in a couple months) at the Lake Theater in Lake Oswego, OR on Friday 11/9 at 8pm.
The director will be there to talk about the videos and we will be playing the videos on the big screen for all in attendance; and for all those not in attendance, though they won't be able to see them since they're not fucking there...
I just started doing side work as a podcast producer and editor, and just started recording a podcast myself about my latest album and what goes into, from a songwriting and just fucking life standpoint, making an album.
I'm beginning work on my next album, which will be a solo endeavor the likes of which has never been heard. This is the most honest and personal album I've ever written (which is amazing in and of itself as all my songs are true stories) as it includes many stories about my depression, alcoholism, having Asperger's, suicidal thoughts (which I struggle with every day), fucking "Inception" style dreams, and other things which I struggle with constantly. The goal of this album is to help those who feel these things daily, but also feel alone in their struggles. Your struggles are not singular, and trust me, I get it. I hope these songs help normalize and make you feel better about said struggles.
So many good things and I still can hardly function. Sometimes, just the weight of life is too much. I try and stay positive in these moments and remember that my original goal was just to help one person with my music in the way that music helped me. I've accomplished that many times over but it's addicting. I just keep thinking of all the people who don't know who I am who could benefit from feeling less alone in the world. Asperger's took my ability to feel "normal" but that's OK. I wasn't meant to. I was meant to help others understand themselves in a way they haven't before. Even the fucked up are "normal" to the other members of the "fucked up” party. You are not alone. I once stabbed myself in the arm because I didn't think I was real. I get it. I still feel like that sometimes, but have found healthier ways to explore that.
Music is magic. But it's also a struggle. It's given me everything in my life, good and bad. But, I don't begrudge it either way. It is what it is. As Vonnegut would say, "so it goes." Whether you make music or support and enjoy it, you are part of the brotherhood and sisterhood of music. We are all in this together and we are all fucked up in the best and worst ways. We are here for each other in a way that a lot of people don't understand. When we need a hand or a friend, we know where to go. Music hasn't "fixed" me and it won't. But, it's given me a sense of being and a place where I can feel less alone. That's all I ever wanted from it and that's all I can ask for. It's not a god, but it isn't far off. Thank you, music, for all you've done for me. I hope I can do the same with my music for at least a few of you out there...
If you haven't seen the full video from Kanye's monologue during his Oval Office visit with Donald Trump, here you go:
I know how news is disseminated these days, in clips and soundbites, but it's important to ingest some things fully and without commentary or bias. I've seen or heard so many "takes" already claiming Kanye's monologue was sad, was rambling, was incoherent, was profane, that Kanye doesn't represent how black people feel, and on and on. Look, some of that may be true. Kanye did touch on a lot of topics (I'll highlight some later, but again, watch the whole video before offering another unneeded take, like this one, into the world), he did drop a couple curse words and he sometimes switched lines of thought before finalizing his point. But, he also never claimed to speak on behalf of all black people, made plenty of well-thought out points and once again proved he is always the smartest person in the room. That's a softball setup for a Trump joke but that's not what this is about.
WHO DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING? WELL, ME, I GUESS...
For anyone surprised by Kanye's monologue, I feel like taking them aside
and just playing them the scene from Goodfellas, where Joe Pesci shoots
Spider for talking back to him, over and over til Robert Deniro's "What's the matter
with you? Huh? What's the matter with you?" is seared into their
skulls forever.
Of course this was outcome when probably the bravest, most outspoken artist in the world had a national audience and was sitting in THE F*%#ING WHITE HOUSE. This could not have been teed up any better than my left-open Trump joke a few sentences ago. Of course Kanye was going to seize the moment. He clearly has a lot on his mind, and from the sounds of it, has ACTUALLY BEEN DOING SOMETHING ABOUT SOCIAL AND LOCAL ISSUES.
He mentions having meetings back in Chicago about gun violence, prison reform and school curriculums. He's at the White House to discuss prison reform and to try sway the President's mind about "stop and frisk." He's not just posting Twitter messages or videos about how outraged he is, he's talking with people and trying to get something done about it. In fact, he's not outraged at all. Multiple times he uses the words "empower" and "love."
He implores people to talk with people instead of making hasty decisions or judgements, explaining how he was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder when he was really just massively sleep-deprived and how that could have led to him developing dementia.
He reiterated the need for more mental health awareness and help for everyone, especially those who need to be "habilitated, not rehabilitated" since they never got the knowledge or help they needed to begin with.
It was clear these were not ideas that randomly popped into his head that he word-vomited out to the world. These are things he is clearly passionate about and thinks about often and with great depth. They may sound crazy grabbed as a snippet, but I understood each point he made and agreed with him more often than not. For instance, it's true I don't really think a hydrogen-powered plane will replace Air Force One anytime soon, but I understand his overall point about wanting American companies to be leaders in industry and in designing innovative products.
I figured Kanye would give us a performance and I was not disappointed. But, what I did not expect was for us to get a peek into the brain of genius. Kanye is not just a "musical genius." He's a plain, old, regular genius too. He said as much during the monologue and I believe him. Listening to the way his thoughts formulated and how he articulated them, you can tell he's working on a different level than most of us and there was so much going on in his head he was trying to figure out how to get it all out. It's sad that this is often lazily labeled "crazy." Geniuses have been called "crazy" for as long as man has existed and consistently misunderstood them. Of course some of his thoughts seem incomplete. I'm sure he could talk for hours and hours (probably days and days) on each of the dozen or so topics he touched on but he knew people will only pay attention for so long so he kept it moving. No one knows how to entertain better than Kanye but I don't think this was him posturing or just seeking attention. I believe him. I believe he truly believes in all these things.
A FEW THOUGHTS ON A FEW OF THE TOPICS HE BROUGHT UP
WELFARE:
Kanye mentions that welfare is a big reason why black people are typically Democrats. He also points out that because jobs are hard to find, it can often be easier for people to have more kids to increase their income, which can cause its own set of issues. Kanye mentions creating jobs, multiple times, as the first step to helping curb these issues.
But, to his point about having more kids to gain income, he's right. I've had more than a couple friends admit to me they had an extra kid to help with rent, or to move into a bigger or nicer apartment, or to help with a medical bill. I remember asking my co-worker in New York City how she could afford a three-bedroom apartment in Manhattan. The answer: three kids and custody of a fourth.
WHY HE WEARS HIS MAGA HAT:
Kanye states that the hat gives him power. And, it does. He talks about the how people try to bully him out of wearing the hat, which he refuses to do; which, in itself, is empowering. He talks about how it gave him "the balls" to negotiate a better deal with Adidas. He talks about how wearing the hat reminds him that Trump is a positive male role-model for a guy without a lot positive male energy in his life. That sounds pretty powerful to me. I think he may be right.
MENTAL HEALTH:
I don't understand why, but it seems like people hate it when Kanye brings up mental health. This makes no sense. Everyone lauds Kendrick Lamar for discussing it but collectively roll their eyes when Kanye brings it up. I don't like it and it's hypocritical. If you don't like him, you don't like him. Fine. But, the more we can get people talking and learning about mental health, the better. I didn't find out until I was 28 years old that I had Asperger's. Having that news earlier could have changed a lot things (mostly relationships) in my life. As Kanye says today, people need more access to and education around mental health.
He made a great point about "habilitation, not rehabilitation" when it comes to prisoners. People who come out of prison typically don't come out with lots of money and opportunities coming at them left and right from potential employers. I've never been to prison but I can't imagine it's positive for a person's psyche. So, now you have someone who has had a traumatic event (and possibly many more beforehand) occur to them who have no money and little-to-no job prospects due a prison record. It doesn't really put people in a position to succeed which, he says, puts people in a position to do illegal things and, ultimately, end up back in prison.
Instead, Kanye recommends mental health care, job training and even different curriculums in schools to try and keep kids out of prison to begin with. That all seems sensible enough to me.
IN SUMMATION
I think people often struggle with Kanye due to lack of understanding. Perhaps it's because I have Asperger's (who knows?), but I often seem to relate to Kanye and understand his trains of thought better than most. I find myself constantly explaining, and sometimes defending, him to others. Ofttimes, they will concede they perhaps judged him too quickly and too harshly. Other times, they say my explanation makes it worse. Who knows... But, I just wanted to offer (yet another...) opinion to hopefully get you feeling more open and loving towards someone who is often misunderstood. That's all Kanye is asking for; and he's right, as usual...
I just finished a new song. It's ridiculous to talk about it since it won't be released for another year, but I love this song so much. It's a song about cutting, which, unfortunately, I know a little bit about. Now, to be sure, I've known people who've had extensive issues with cutting. I dated a girl with more scars than I could count. We talked about it at length. She dealt with more than I could bear. My experience with it is not on the same level and I'm not trying to compare but I can relate, in a different sort of way. The reasons behind a person being in the mindset to do such a thing are varied. I do not pretend to understand all, or even any, beyond my own. And, I realize my reasons were not very common. They were an outlier and therefore I'm not trying to compare my experience to others. As I've mentioned, I've intimately known more than a couple people who have struggled with far worse issues. I'm merely trying to say that I understand this issue more than most. I've both internally and externally dealt with it. I wish I hadn't (no one should) but the seed has been sown. I can't undo my four scars, and I don't particularly care to. I hold on to them to remind myself of what I can become. It's not pleasant but it's not meant to be. I relish the reminders of harder times. They make me strive for the good times, regardless of how few and far between they are. I try to keep the memories strong to keep myself on the right path. Someday, I might tell the whole story, which is long and boring, at least to me, but for now I'll keep it simple: I struggled with creating a dissociative disorder for myself. I didn't think I was real. Or, I didn't think the world around me was real. I vacillated between those two realities; no doubt influenced by the intake of pain killers, Xanax and copious amounts of alcohol. Also, the amount of self-hate and depression. Moving to Portland was the single most tragic thing that ever happened to me, which, I know sounds ridiculous but it's true. I was immediately depressed upon arriving but tried to associated those feelings with leaving New York City. No city was ever going to live up to NYC, so I was just experiencing a normal drop off. Not so. I knew more than I could realize. Sure, I started a band, made some albums, some music videos, enjoyed minor success and met my wife here, but the toll it's taken on me is irreparable. I'll never be the same. Frankly, I'm surprised my insides have only given out once with the amount of shit I've ingested to try and get by or enjoy myself or life. Life hasn't been very enjoyable aside from getting married. I've loved getting married but part of the reason is that I finally get to leave. You see, my wife didn't feel comfortable moving with me before marriage, which is understandable given how shitty and undependable I can be. But, Portland is the city in which I tried to murder myself, cut myself to establish the fact that I am a real being and thought about death multiple times per day. It's not a place I will look back upon fondly. I tried to kill myself once in Seattle too, but have nothing but good things to say about Seattle. That is not the case for Portland. If Portland were destroyed by a nuclear bomb, I would not only be OK, I would rejoice. I have Asperger's so I don't really care about any of the people I don't know that would have died, and selfishly would love to see this place burned to the ground. Good things may have happened as a result of this place, but the damage it's done to me and my well-being will never be rectified. I will live with the literal and figurative scars forever. I don't expect to outrun them. I don't expect to get over them. I don't expect to live happily alongside them, though I'm trying; especially now that I'm married. Marriage for me was almost as much about self-preservation as it was about love. I needed something to unselfishly live for. Which is selfish as fuck, I suppose, saying it out loud. My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I felt guilty marrying her knowing full well I might kill myself. I probably won't anymore, as she's unbearably wonderful and amazing and brilliant and beautiful, but I can't guarantee I won't. I might do it by mistake. There's only so much a liver can take, and all the drugs, alcohol and pills haven't helped. Despite a massive cutback, the damage may have been done. Although I feel like I might live forever given my not-give-a-fuck attitude, but maybe I'm wrong. I haven't been wrong hardly ever, but it's possible I guess. I hope Kanye is doing alright... I know he's taken a lot of shit for his SNL comments (which weren't aired, so he was right, black people do have to keep their thoughts to themselves...) which are semi-justified but not wholly. He's not completely wrong on anything, he just didn't articulate his thoughts in a way that non-Kanye people would understand. I get it...
Oh yeah, and happy Columbus/murdering, raping and enslaving indigenous people day. Maybe that's why I'm so down tonight... Fuck that Italian asshole.
(I'm half Native American for those who didn't know. Dictated but not read)
Sitting here, in a hotel in downtown Minneapolis (I won't say which one but two trees are involved), I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the blessings I've been given in my life. Here is a smart-assed, half-white, half-Native American, poor, depressed, borderline-alcoholic kid with Asperger's from Horicon, WI, population 3000, who was born with craniosynostosis, who has recorded and released two albums and played shows/traveled to every corner of this great country (current President and potential SCOTUS nominee, notwithstanding relative to the "great" part... Don't get me started... Thank you for not getting me started), and has now seen France as well, who has somehow married a beautiful, hard-working and brilliant woman, and is the proud owner of a cat. Who would have guessed? I'm probably not even halfway done and it's already been a BEAUTIFUL RIDE. At 16, I honestly thought there was a good chance I'd work at the factory making Harley Davidson parts for the next 30 years like some of the guys there. It seemed like good work. Those were tough, long days but the work was mostly mindless. I got to dream about things like the Packers winning multiple Super Bowls with Brett Favre and then Aaron Rodgers, about the Brewers somehow besting the Cardinals and finally winning a World Series, about HOW BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED CHARLIZE THERON IS, about where we're going to get drunk on Saturday night; all the good things in life...
But then I decided to pursue my one true love: music. And things got much more complicated. I wish I wanted to be something more practical like, say, an accountant. For that, you go to college, then take CPA classes, pass some certifications/tests and BOOM, you're an accountant. Or, say, a welder. Again, you go take classes, pass some certifications/tests and BOOM, you're a welder. But there aren't any classes to become a successful musician. There's no established plan or path to follow. Everything you do is based on your gut and the hope that you're not wasting your time/money/energy/soul/youth/etc. Every decision feels like the exact right thing and the exact wrong thing. Every musical choice, every email or phone call, every show, every setlist, every recording, every t-shirt design, every press photo, every promoter you hire and even every blogpost. It's all the best and the worst thing. It's all worthwhile and a complete waste of time.
So many people say the same thing when they find out I'm a musician (someday, I'll be famous enough to where they won't have to ask...): "my (insert: cousin, nephew, niece, brother, sister, best friend, neighbor) is a musician too." And when they find my albums on iTunes or Spotify, it's: "my (insert: cousin, nephew, niece, brother, sister, best friend, neighbor) has an album too. Isn't it great how easy it is to make one these days? I've heard it's really cheap to make an album now. How much did your's cost?" The answer is always shocking...
"All in? $25-30K. Which doesn't cover all the costs probably but that's a good ballpark, I guess."
"..."
My musician friends and I talk about this topic incessantly. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put all of our time/money/energy/soul into something that will maybe break even or possibly lose money? Because of the single strongest human motivator, and the single worst thing ever (see, that damn theme again. Maybe it's just my "I GO TO EXTREMES" Asperger brain, but seems like this is just the fucking deal): hope.
I have a line in a new, unreleased as of yet, song: "We used to be so full of hope, but it only weighed us down..."
Hope is strong enough to make us do anything, against, or maybe because of, our better judgement. It's the most powerful thing a person can have. It can also be the most destructive. I've nearly died twice because of it and the terrible hurt it can bring. But, I'm also still alive because of it. My life has a (thoroughly destructive) purpose because of it. It's why I can get through all the meaningless bullshit everyday and still have the wonderful night when I pick up a guitar. It's why more nights than I should admit I drink myself to sleep trying to numb the hurt of all my broken and failed hopes. But it's also why I get up and do it all again each day. Some nights I wish I would lose all hope so I could get on with my life, but what kind of life would that be? What would it look like? What would I do? Watch baseball and drink beer all day? Would be fun for a while, but what about after that? Sure, the Brewers are in the NLDS and the Cardinals can't knock us out this time, but even the World Series only takes you through October. Then what?
Seems like a terrible cycle. Hope leads to excitement, which leads to disappointment, which leads to sadness, which leads back to hope. What's a boy to do? Sometimes it all comes together, like in the song "Lookin' at Luckey" and my new music video:
But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it goes horribly wrong. Then what? Hope. It'll probably lead to sadness, again, but what if it doesn't? What if this time is the one where everything goes right? What if the right song hits the right ears and the right things happen? Maybe, it could... And that's the poison...
(Sorry, it's too late to proof read this. Accept it as is...)
