Random thoughts and some thoughts on, or perhaps caused by, concussions...
I've heard that God made humans in His image. Maybe so, but that was (hundreds of) thousands of years ago. Since then we've been ravaged by the imperfect-ness of humanity and carefully constructed within its faults. Slowly, we've (d)evolved into our current existence. God are we fucked up. Not everyone, mind you, just a good chunk of us. Most of us have our demons to deal with, some worse than others. As PREVIOUSLY EXPLAINED, I feel quite blessed about my life. But I, like most, have certain things I struggle with daily. Not the least of which is Asperger's. I, obviously, am high functioning but sometimes I wish I were a little further out on the spectrum. It would be nice to not understand other people's emotions AND not give a fuck. I, unfortunately, do not understand but do give a fuck. I can see how my actions and words affect people. It's rare that I can actually be empathetic but I also do not like to see the people I love mad or sad or whatever. It makes me feel very guilty. I always used to think that was the result of being raised Catholic, but I've come to realize it's more of a warning that maybe I just said or did something that wasn't brilliant. Even with that lack-of-empathy guilt, it's very difficult for me to listen to someone talk about "how they feel" or "how I make them feel" because I don't really understand, and moreover, I believe it doesn't really matter. The only thing that really matters is what people DO to each other. How people FEEL is only relevant to them. Now, I know what you're thinking, it's not a great idea to TAKE ADVICE from a movie they let JAKE BECKER into (watch for the guy with floppy, blonde hair, a black t-shirt, glasses, cargo shorts and sandals walking up the sidewalk and checking out some girls ass from 1:16-1:25) and that's fair. But still, where else are people supposed to learn life lessons? And why isn't Zach Braff qualified to dole them out? With this random thought out of the way, I digress...
After a day of terrifically uninteresting NFL games, only one day removed from all the amazing college football games I watched yesterday, my brain is fried but bored. Which is why I decided it would be a good idea to write. Now, since you're not me or one of the 8 people I talked to in the last few days, you probably wouldn't know that I've had a concussion for the past week. You see, last Monday while casually tooling around Portland, I was rear-ended. I didn't think it was that bad, but apparently it was hard enough to ruin my (well, the company car's) bumper, give me whiplash (still quite sore) and give me a concussion (that's what she said...? Get it? "Hard enough?" Sorry...). I honestly have no idea how fast the lady was going when she hit me, but I suppose it doesn't actually matter, the results are what they are. In full disclosure and because nobody asked, I've had at least half a dozen concussions from playing sports when I was younger, obviously football being the biggest culprit, but I don't remember them being this bad or lasting this long. It's been almost a week and I still can't quite see straight. It's close but still isn't 100%. I still get headaches when I'm up and moving around more than a few minutes. Even writing this is taking way longer than it should. Luckily, I can edit this as I go, or holy shit, it would be borderline unintelligible; if it already isn't.
Now for those who haven't had the pleasure of a concussion, it is not fun. In addition to the blurry/double vision, the headaches and the diminished brain function, there's also nausea and dizziness; which, thankfully, have mostly subsided. In short, they're everything they're built up to be. But the worst part, by far, is what you can do while concussed, which is: NOTHING. Everything makes your head throb and makes you feel sick. Light, sound, movement, everything is the worst. Even reading is too difficult with the blurry/double vision making you want to swallow a bottle of ibuprofen to try and numb the pain. The only thing I could do, for the WHOLE WEEK, was lay on the couch, lights off, and softly play TV reruns in the background to keep me from dying of boredom. It's only been the last two days that I've gotten off the couch at all, besides to pee and poo. Even right now, I have a headache coming on... Again, not fun...
So, I'll wrap this up. A little shorter than normal but it's all I can do. The thing I really wanted to impart was a record I recently rediscovered. And I mean "rediscovered" literally. I've been trying for years to pull this back out of the fucking wasteland that is my brain with no success. I couldn't remember the band name, the album title, any of the song titles or lyrics; nothing Google-able. All I had was vague memories of the cover art and a few hummable melodies. I knew it was a folky, boy-girl duo thing that peaked about 10 years ago. For the past five years, I've been actively scouring record stores with the hope that I would randomly bump back into this record, to no avail. But, finally, on one of those Spotify "recommended listens" playlists, a song by this band popped up. I didn't recognize the name but the voices instantly sent off alarm bells in my brain. This was it! I was so excited and I could barely contain myself as I reconnected with this lost, old friend. I've never been able to pin down exactly what it is about this record that makes me feel the way I do about it, but that doesn't change my love for it in any way. I have stories I could tell about it, but my head is not in the right place and I'm starting to feel dizzy again. So, I'll leave you with this:
The Weepies - Say I Am You
These truly are songs for the soul. I feel instantly warmed, sad, nostalgic, hopeful, yearning, loved, lonely and full of grace. I could listen to "Citywide Rodeo" (starts at 9:58) on repeat for years. Not hours, fucking years. I'm serious. As serious as any concussed human can be...
