One of the hardest things for me to accept and reconcile in the vast expanse of wasted space, dilapidated memories and deserted brain cells in this dang ol' cranium of mine (that sounds like a science-themed country song, if such a thing were to exist) is the fact that most people JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK about song lyrics. Now, to be sure, I sort of get it. Some people's relationship with music is an arm's length affair, at best. Some might have even had a few run-ins, called the cops and got a restraining order against poor ol' music. Music has definitely stolen dearly from me on many occasions. I can't count how many times I've put on "Airbag" only to lose the next 53 minutes of my life to "OK Computer," AGAIN... But shit, son, it's Friday Night. Let's forgive and forget and be friends with the words so thoughtfully and carefully put together, in which to create a memorable story, lived-in and full of Love and Hope and Faith and Fear. And, if it's a Bradley Wik (or Bruce Springsteen) joint, it'll be about the four pillars of Rock N' Roll: Cars, Girls, Drinking and Rock N' Roll... (Some) Artists (not me) struggle to tell tales from the heart, relating to us simpletons (well, not me since I'm part of them, but you fuckers) the vastness of human-ness that is our experiences on this short-go-round-on-the-spinning-blue-orb. The very stories that make us feel less alone and more a part of this fucked up world; as always, spinning in infinity, amen, hallelujah. If Paul Simon and Chevy Chase can't bring a smile to your face, then fuck you. You don't deserve this limited view of God's creations, however imperfect, yet beautiful. And, you definitely don't deserve this fucking list of awesome shit, as curated by the man himself: Me. The best bringer of the fucking shit since Jay-Z and Kanye decided to explode our meager minds by teaming up to become the real Masters of the Universe. Who dare fuck with them and their musical prowess?? Not I, said the lowly maestro who carves out a simple existence in the realm of the living, not attempting to understand the unknowable brilliance that reigns down upon him, should he live to be so lucky. I pity those who perished before enjoying "Niggas in Paris," though I'm sure that's the muthafucking song Peter plays to determine your worthiness of entry into the kingdom of Heaven. Hell plays a mix of the Eagles, Grouplove, the Head and the Heart, Rick Astley (although personally I'm against his inclusion on the "soundtrack from Hell," literally), James Taylor, Josh Groban, Jackson Browne, Fun., and finally, the devils themselves, Mumford and Sons. Wow, if that list ain't enough to restore your faith then I don't know what is. Paul Simon and Kanye OR James Taylor and Fun.? Fuck, their stupid fucking name fucks up my fucking punctuation. Fuck them. They're so fucking stupid. Seriously, FUCK FUN.! But most importantly of all, fuck THIS. Their reign as Indie Rock elites lasted about as long as a bout of untreated AIDS. So mostly, we're just happy it's dead and it can't infect anyone else and ruin their respective lives, and their loved ones, as well. So, with a Fun./AIDS joke sufficiently in hand, let's move on to the goddamn list...
1. Fifth Harmony - "Worth It"
Look, if you started the night off with two martinis, you'd want to fuckin' rock that shit right off that bat too; and this song definitely hooks that shit up. Gotta love a song that is just as much at home in my headphones, the club, the stripclub, the car, and pretty much any-fucking-where music plays. I would have still loved this song if it came out a hundred years ago and I had to play it on a fuckin' gramophone I had to wind myself. Still would get the party jumpin'. Might've pre-empted the Civil War, George W. style.
2. Kenna - "Freetime"
As a white kid growing up in Wisconsin, most of my childhood was spent listening to classic rock music. Synths and shit made no fucking sense to me. This was a hella-fun song for an 18 year old to drink and do white people dances to.
3. Nena - "99 Red Balloons (Luftballons)"
So, full disclosure, this song is the real reason for the rant about people not listening to lyrics. I asked a small focus group about this song, and not one knew it wasn't in English. Fuckin' seriously. That's how much people give a fuck. 100% knew the song and 100% didn't know it was in German. Which, of course, also proves that 100% of my focus group hasn't watched THIS.
4. Clipse - "When the Last Time"
So, what??!! This shit was quite ahead of it's time. Pharrell knows how to make two things: Music and Money, and has a fuckload of both. "Happy" might have been better as a PARODY, but no one can touch some of his earlier shit. Like this next one...
5. N.E.R.D - "Truth or Dare"
I wasn't sure what the fuck was happening to my 16 year old mind and body but I liked it. If I could travel back in time to hear this song for the first time, I would in a second. It's the equivalent of hearing "Visions of Johanna" for the first time. In other words, FUCKING LIFE-CHANGING. Hip-hop, Rock N' Roll, Pop, all sorts of shit colliding in the most beautiful way. I still don't understand this album and relish it among my most valuable things.
6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - "Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away"
Talk about hipster nonsense. This shit was real, real fucking good. They tapped into something with this record and I still love it to this day. Hipster shit doesn't suck because it's fucking hipster shit, it sucks because it sucks. This lands on the opposite end of that spectrum, proving that what's good is good, despite its inclinations.
7. Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - "A King at Night"
I'm sensing an early 2000's theme to tonight. Seriously, I don't plan these things. You're literally drinking and listening to music with me, in real time. The line "She's a fine lookin' lady and she likes to go down on me. And I like to go down on her, too," is like, wait, what? This is a sad song that is funny and silly and Will has the balls to be all those things at once. Genius.
8. Britney Spears - "Email My Heart"
Drinking often leads to bad decisions but this isn't one. I've owned, loved and listened to "...Baby, One More Time" since 1999. I probably should be ashamed of this fact, but I'm not. In fact, I'm quite proud of my fandom of Britney. Young love always leaves the strongest impressions...
9. Firehouse - "Love of a Lifetime"
When I was younger man (read: a teenager), my buddy's dad had a music room we were strictly, and explicitly, forbidden to enter. It was probably mostly the result of my buddy who was the consummate klutz and broke nearly everything he touched. Or, it might have been the roughly $10,000 he invested in his stereo equipment and speakers that he didn't want young kids to fuck up. Nevertheless, we would sneak in there when he was gone and go through his thousands of CD's, fire up his vintage Klipsch's and revel in the majesty that is Winger and, of course, Firehouse. It's a very strange thing when a random album grabs my attention so hard and for so long, but that's exactly what happened with the self-titled Firehouse album. I still listen to it, front to back, on a regular basis, nearly 18 years later. If you haven't heard it, this song is the place to start.
10. Cinderella - "Coming Home"
Speaking of 80's hair metal... This might be the cheesiest of them all. Which, of course, I love as I am from Wisconsin, after all.
11. Feist - "Brandy Alexander"
This song is the reason I own Creme de Cacao. Also, the reason I get sad sometimes. And the remedy for sadness at other times. Songs that can do that to me are rare and I love them for it. More than they'll ever love me back...
12. Adam Sandler - "At a Medium Pace"
As I mentioned previously, drinking always unleashes the sentimentality bug. Who hasn't felt like "Shave off my pubes and punch me in the face" at times??
13. Beck - "Debra"
The "Just... What the fuck?!" song of the week. Not sure what the record is for consecutive listens of this song is, but I'm sure I'm getting close...
14. Elliott Smith - "Say Yes"
Can't end on 13, so here's the last one. That sentimentality bug is goddamn persistent and finally landed a bite. Fuck him or her. Does the sentimentality bug have a gender? Not sure, but not sure if it matters unless they're fucking on, as well as with, me. Fuck those little fuckers. Either/Or this is the end. Remember, you're only as old as you feel when you're drinking... 'Til next time, assholes!
