90's nostalgia (and wine) cures any illness... aka I probably shouldn't be a doctor

I'm still sick but wine and metal (music) will fix me, right?

As I mentioned yesterday, I am sick.  Turns out one day may not be enough to get back to normal.  I thought it was, but here we are.  I still feel like shit but wine helps; at least, it helps me not care so much.  Also, as I mentioned yesterday, insomnia is a bitch.  Not sure if any of you have ever experienced insomnia but it's not fun.  Yes, as shown in "Fight Club," I do watch infomercials and memorize them (hard to beat the Ronco, but the drunk Irishmen/Magic Bullet is fun, as is the insane, possibly murderous, making no claims but just saying, Copper Flipwich bitch; who, if you told me murdered everyone on the set after those commercials, I would say "Yep, OK") and even come to like them.  I do own a power pressure cooker.  Except that thing is fucking awesome and makes the best chicken or pork taco meat you can imagine.  The meat comes out, after only 15-20 minutes, like it was cooked in a crock-pot all day, fucking tender and juicy and full of whatever seasoning or flavor you added to it (usually tomatillo and cayenne or some variation, in my case).  It shreds easily and is oh-so-fucking delicious.  In 20 minutes you can make a meal and leftovers for the next couple days.  It's brilliant.  Wait, tacos?  That's not why we're here.  Shit, why are we here?

Oh, yeah, Asperger's and sleep, or more accurately, lack of sleep.  It's an issue I've dealt with since High School, and probably before though I didn't know it.  I used to play sports year-round, which helped.  Every day there were hours and hours devoted to making myself tired, physically and mentally.  After I broke my achilles, that changed.  A lot of things changed, but I do remember specifically my late nights starting.  Whether that be through video games (I used to be a fairly avid gamer, Dreamcast muthafuckers!  Oh, and way too much Counter Strike), reading, playing guitar, etc., I had a hard time sleeping.  Then I found the joys of music.  I'd always been a lover of music but then I found a new reason to love it:  sleep.  I, like many, found that listening to music that I knew and loved, not music that I hadn't heard or would force me to stay awake and listen, would help me fall asleep.  CD players had sleep timers or the CD would just fucking end.  Though, I was a fucking badass and had my Aiwa 3-CD stereo so I had to set a sleep timer and be careful was what in the next spot after my desired listen.  No Soulfly in slot 2 if you catch my drift. THIS DOESN'T REALLY HELP YOU SLEEP.  Fred Durst was a thing?  Remember?  Please don't...  COAL CHAMBER WAS ONE THAT ACTUALLY HELPED ME SLEEP FOR SOME REASON...  Wait, are these the same songs?  They sound the same.  Wait, all that nu-metal, scream-alot (not "o"), kinda sounded the same...  Except Godsmack, right?  WAIT, THIS IS THE SAME TOO.  Just kidding, that was definitely more on the Metallica spectrum.  Even to the "meeeeeuuhhh, yeah" accents.  It's borderline shameful how many times I had sex to that eponymous Godsmack record...  Borderline, I said.  It was also borderline admirable.  Turns out I had a different type of girl I was attracted to back in the day.  I'll never forget the early arguments with one girlfriend about the music we would play while we fucked so as not to make it too fucking obvious to her roommate that we were boning.  She always knew so I don't know exactly why we thought that helped that much, but we were young.  In fact, she used to fuck with us about it.  We were so dumb.  But, back to the point, it is so goddamn ridiculous to think back on what music we would play during sex.  She'd put in Godsmack, Korn, Disturbed, and I'd put in Nick Drake, Neil Young, Tupac, Modest Mouse, Radiohead, Jay-Z, Ryan Adams but we could both agree on System of a Down, Portishead, Iron & Wine or Led Zeppelin.

(Editors note:  Springsteen and Dylan are FAR too distracting to fuck to.  Just a note for the young ones out there.  It's too easy to start listening to the records and forget about "doing" what you're supposed to be "doing."  Maybe it's just me, but just saying.  I guess if you're trying to find ways to go longer they might be appropriate, but for me it changed the mood)

I know, a bit of weird "agreed upon" list but that's what it was.  Wait, I was talking about insomnia not sex...

It's difficult because everyone just says "why don't you just go to bed?"  Laying around not sleeping and just dwelling on all the things that make you stressed, sad, depressed, things that you need to do, things you should've done but haven't, why your life is a waste and everything you've failed at doesn't exactly help you drift off into slumberland, trust me.  Reading only makes me less tired.  I suppose I could read more boring books which would help me desire sleep, but who wants to do that?  Television helps but sleeping on the couch (which I did for three years due to some other issues) isn't ideal either.  No, music is the best thing for me.  Unfortunately, my girlfriend cannot abide me listening to music in bed.  It keeps her up.  So, I stay up instead.  Some nights drinking and watching "IT Crowd" reruns (well, I guess they're not reruns anymore.  Fuck, what do you call old shows you've seen before on Netflix?  Rewatches?) on Netflix until I pass out is enough to make me tired when I get to bed.  Some nights it isn't.  Some nights listening to records, and drinking, until my head hits my desk is enough.  Some nights it isn't.  Some nights writing blogs, and drinking, until I can't form coherent sentences is enough.  But a good chunk of the nights, nothing helps and I get to stay up until, well I may not sleep more than a half hour here or there.  It's not fun and it always comes in waves.  It's never one night, which you could get past with a nap the next day.  It's always weeks or months at a time.

The thing that sucks about Asperger's is that routines are everything, both positive or negative, and sleep is no exception.  Once you can't sleep, you can't sleep, and there is nothing you can do about it.  It's awful.  That's where I am now.  The beds at the Hampton Inn in Medford, OR aren't terrible by any means but I'm sure I'll barely enjoy them.  I'll probably just lay awake and LISTEN TO THIS OVER AND OVER THINKING OF A DIFFERENT TIME...  A time when getting an hour or two of sleep didn't matter.  Being 18 was good for something, I suppose...

I wish I had an answer.  I really wish I do.  Maybe if someday I could build a pattern and routine of sleeping like a normal person, then things could get better.  For now, I'll listen to MARILYN MANSON'S VERSION OF WILLY WONKA CRAZY ASS FUCKING SONG...  Obviously, I'm feeling like I'm 13-18 again tonight but apparently only the metal, shitty 90's side of me.  Saw a Marilyn Manson tribute band before the greatest AC/DC tribute band on the planet (Helles Belles) and I have to admit I knew most of the tunes.  Took me back to a younger time in my life when (speaking of Willy Wonka and Marilyn Manson) "THEY FAIL TO SEE THE ANGUISH IN MY EYES" was a line that just fucking hit me.  Shit, I guess that's still a great fucking line.  Marilyn Manson was always better than people gave him credit for.  And growing up in Wisconsin I heard a lot of "he's such a faggot" type comments, which forced me to explain things to people that they never would even entertain to hear.  I learned a lot back then.  I'm not surprised Wisconsin went Trump in the last election.  I remember sitting in the Mazatlan Mexican Restaurant in Everett, WA in November 2016 on election day thinking that if this comes down to Wisconsin, we're fucked.  Sure enough it was one of the deciding states.  My bartender and waitress, both Mexican, were nearly in tears.  I was aghast but I didn't know what to say to them.  They spoke of their families and their fear for them here in America.  It was so sad to hear.  I thought of where I grew up and was angry and confused and wanted to do something, but I couldn't.  It was done and I knew why.  I knew it would happen.  Now, I'm just rambling.  Probably a side-effect of the wine and habitual lack of sleep.  So, I'm signing off again.  Not sure this helped anyone but myself but I hope someone feels less strange when reading this at 2:45 IN THE MORNING.  I can't help you but you're not alone...

(written drowsily but not read or edited.  Sorry, it's fucking late and I have to not sleep.  I know, I won't be sleeping so I should be doing something worthwhile but that's not how it works, assholes)

More drinking, more playlist and more stories!!

Started with two martinis tonight, so I'm gonna be honest up front:  I'm going to talk a lot more about each song.  Previously, I've given snippets but, fuck, it's been a hell of a week and I'm ready to explore my feelings...  Ha!  Well, explore some music and bask in the overarching glow that it gives me in my time of need.  And, amen, I'm in need of some fucking music-lovin' tonight.  Might be a strange journey we traverse together, but trust me, it'll be worth it.  I know I'm not the only one that struggles from time to time, so hopefully someone else can also get a little enjoyment out of the randomness that consumes my music listening whilst drinking.  Or when not drinking.  There's too much music and too little time.  Life always gets in the fucking way of enjoying things, so let's fully enjoy this hour of our night with a cocktail, beer or wine of choice and relish in the comfort of some well-crafted musical pieces.  Without further ado, lest I ramble like I always seem to, let's sally forth to the music!!  Just a quick note, though.  Fuck Sam Bradford for playing the game of his life on Sunday night.  Seriously, Fuck off Mr. Deer-in-the-Headlights look who has done nothing but disappoint his whole career.  I don't think he's suddenly great, but man, hell of a good time to play like he's never played before.  I feel like this will be the old "High Fidelity" thing of looking back on this game with reverence like someone looks back on the night their band opened for Nirvana.  He'll look back fondly but never relive a greater glory in his life.  Or maybe he was playing possum because he secretly wanted to get to the same city that housed Mary Richards, the fictional, but still actually coked-out, TV news anchor.  We'll probably never know the real truth, will we, Mr. Bradford?  Oh yeah, no rambling; Music!

1. Dixie Chicks - "There's Your Trouble"

Gotta start the night off easy.  This one is fun and the video is so deliciously 90's.  I loved all those women country artists who crossed over into the pop world in the mid-to-late 90's.  Shania, Faith, LeAnn, Deana and of course, those dang ol' Dixie Chicks.  Sidenote:  I wish Faith Hill was still doing the Sunday Night Football theme...  Carrie Underwood is also pretty to look at, but the new song... Meh...

2. Elliott Smith - "Angeles"

I know...  It's a little early in the night for a tune like this.  But I don't plan these out.  You're living this shit with me.  Welcome to my brain, the theme park ride...  I can't tell you how many times I've played this album and, indeed, listened to "2:45 A.M" at that exact time...  Sometimes depression and insomnia mix ever so sweetly.

3. Rilo Kiley - "Does He Love You?"

This fucking record, "More Adventurous," is some fucking record.  So many great songs.  "Portions for Foxes" is on my all-time-songs-I-love-to-cover-with-a-Rock-N'-Roll-band list.  That's pretty specific, but goddamn, I could listen to this record everyday.  Even the songs the dude sings aren't half bad.  The linked video doesn't sound the best, but man, this fucking song rocks so hard at the end; after Jenny Lewis' character realizes her misguided love.  I often think back on playing this shit (way louder than I should have been) in my shitty apartment in Madison, WI, also at 2:45 A.M., pretending to fall asleep as I tried to hide from my insomnia...  I'm much smarter now, as I know bourbon (or gin) is the answer.

4. Shakira - "Whenever, Wherever"

I immediately bought "Laundry Service" upon hearing this tune.  And, after seeing the video (on MTV, no less.  Yes, children, they used to play music on the Music TeleVision channel), I was hooked "thereover, hereunder."  I could literally (yes, you fucking Hipsters, actually literally) watch her dance in those leather pants and bikini top on loop til I die.  If I wasn't fucking writing this list, I probably would...

5. Nelly Furtado - "Turn off the Light"

One of the guys that I lived with in Madison, WI was a massive fan of Nelly Furtado.  I had originally heard that song about her being like a bird and thought it was OK.  It was kinda different from the other shit I was hearing on the radio at that time but didn't blow me away.  I was intrigued but didn't really follow through and get into it.  He eventually convinced me to give this record a chance.  This is the song that got me.  Her voice wasn't your typical bullshit pop star voice.  She wasn't just another random blonde, white chick.  She was foreign and sexy and shit.  And this song definitely wasn't another boring, trope-y pop song.  There is something happening here that is the combination of a bunch of cool shit and I can't help but love it, immensely.

6. My Bloody Valentine - "No More Sorry"

I fucking love this band.  I can't get enough of them.  Did they kill Creation Records?  Maybe, but if "Loveless" is the cause of that, then fuck it, it was worth it.  This song and their first full album "Isn't Anything" isn't quite the masterpiece that "Loveless" is but I quite often find myself often returning to it.  Songs like this one plus "Sueisfine," "Lose My Breath," "I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It)," etc. are brilliant and would be celebrated much more had they not somehow found another gear (the way in movies there is always another "magic" gear that somehow only the protagonist uses as they drive past the lesser characters and the villain of the piece) and blown everyone's mindgrapes with "Loveless."

7. The Mountain Goats - "Sept 16 Triple X Love! Love!"

One of the biggest disappointments in my life was narrowly missing out on opening for a solo John Darnielle/The Mountain Goats show back in 2005.  I was living in Madison, WI (God, Wisconsin must be on the brain tonight) and Jake and I were performing acoustically as Tyger that Sleeps.  We were trying to get a show at this place just off the UW-Madison campus called, well, I don't remember what the fuck it was called, but it was on State St.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  It was the Catacombs Coffeehouse)  They liked our demo but wouldn't let us play the John Darnielle show since it was a 21 and up show (Jake and I were 20 and 18 respectively).  Such a let down.  We even went so far as to contact the Mountain Goats booking manager to see if they could get us on the bill.  No dice.  And, to top it all off, they wouldn't even let us in to watch the show...  I hope that place burned to the ground.  Or, I think it might've become a Subway; a fate much worse than death.  Either way, it wasn't even the most disappointing time I couldn't get into a show that year.

8. Great Lake Swimmers - "I Saw You in the Wild"

Cafe Montmartre, Summer 2005.  It was late summer, maybe September.  It had been hot most of that day but the clouds weren't looking particularly pleasant as the day transformed into night.  The show was first come, first serve and, as it turns out, Andrew Bird was much more popular than we thought.  It was Jake, my girlfriend at the time and me.  We excitedly headed over to see a Tony Dekker solo show.  Jake and I were hopelessly in love with the Great Lake Swimmers eponymous first album and were beyond excited to see this man at such an intimate venue.  Only we miscounted the men, Liz.  We got in line around 8pm, with the show at 9pm.  Shortly thereafter, it started to rain.  Slowly, the rain got heavier and heavier.  As we stood there getting soaked, amongst the other 50-75 people in line, the venue kept telling us they would let more of us in, in just a bit.  Turns out they also miscounted the men, and after standing in the pouring rain for the better part of an hour, we were told there was no more room.  The show was officially "sold out."  Dejected, drenched and thoroughly denied the aural pleasure we so desired, we headed home.  Jake headed back to the apartment.  My girlfriend at the time and I, already wet, walked to the JMP (James Madison Park) and swang on the swings in the rain, watched the fish and ducks in the rain, and generally acted like little children, splashing in puddles and running amok (we so rarely get to "run amok" as an adult).  When we got back to my apartment we were wet, muddy, tired and I had almost forgotten about my disappointment in missing the show.  And, at the end of the night, I still got laid.  So I have that going for me, which is nice...

9. Jens Lekman - "Friday Night at the Drive-In Bingo"

Remember when Pitchforkmedia.com was a reliable source for introducing and critiquing new music?  I recall buying everything they gave an 8.5 or higher rating and just fucking loving it.  They never missed.  They brought so many new artists and albums into my life, like Jens Lekman and his collection of brilliant pop tunes called "Oh You're So Silent Jens."  I played that shit like it was the cure for cancer.  I loved it.  I cherished it.  I gave away the only physical copy I've found just so another human could enjoy Jens' songs the way I did.  So, needless to say, I was pumped as fuck when I found out Jens was releasing a new record.  I had built up "Oh You're So Silent Jens" so much in my head, I didn't think anything new would hold up.  But it did.  I love this album and this song is by far my favorite; probably my favorite Jens song altogether.  Definitely my most played.  And trust me, that's saying a lot.  It's just so goddamn fun...

10. The Prodigy - "Firestarter"

I can't believe this wasn't the first song I put on a drinking playlist.  Two things:  First, I remember hearing/seeing The Prodigy on MTV2 late one night shortly after it was released.  "Breathe" was the first song I heard from them.  I don't know if I missed "Firestarter," or they actually released "Breathe" first in the States, but either way I fucking hated it.  My 11 year old brain couldn't figure out what the hell this was or why anyone would like it.  It was so fucking weird.  The two singers were all sorts of not-from-rural-Southeastern-Wisconsin and didn't quite compute in my tiny, still-evolving brain.  BUT, I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Shortly after, I saw/heard "Firestarter," once again on MTV2.  I still didn't like it, but once again, I couldn't shake the images and sounds from my head.  Then I saw the video for "Smack My Bitch Up" and I was in love.  It was such a dramatic music video and such a statement at around the same time shit like THIS was happening.  I bought the cassette, never told my mom about it, for fear she would take it away, and listened to it religiously on my Walkman while vacuuming the house or mowing the lawn.  At the time, I alternated only two tapes, "Fat of the Land" and Boyz II Men's "II," in my Walkman.  That was until "The Slim Shady LP" entered my world and I found the second tape I wouldn't tell my mom about...

Second, any Prodigy song always reminds me of one of the best nights of my life and how The Prodigy were the undisputed high point of that night.  My girlfriend and I were visiting my family back in Wisconsin and stayed for a couple of nights in Milwaukee.  We were close to Old World/3rd Street area.  We found a piano bar on 3rd that was a hoot and half.  After meeting another couple, one of whom was a former Canadian Metal Singer (the husband), we set off on the nights journey.  We tried a couple more bars before running into some random guy whose buddy was a bartender at another bar that had a DJ and dance floor, or some shit like that.  By that point of the night, dancing sounded like the best fucking thing ever in the history of the world, so we hopped in a cab with "random guy" and he made good on his promise.  He not only got us some free drinks, but brought us to a dance floor.  The DJ was awesome and dancing filled the rest of the night.  The floor was packed and people were in good spirits.  After a while, I mentioned to my girlfriend that it would probably be the best thing ever if he would play some Prodigy.  She urged me to ask Mr. DJ.  I was going to when I realized it was probably advantageous to our position should a pretty girl make the request, as he would, therefore, be more inclined to acquiesce.  So she ran up and chatted him up a bit.  I'll never forget the look on his face the moment she must have said the words "The Prodigy."  They were having a good little conversation, she had obviously complimented him, when suddenly, he was taken aback, in a good way.  He smiled and I knew then that we were in business.  He then did play some Prodigy ("Smack My Bitch Up") and it indeed was the best thing ever.  What more in life could you want besides a pretty girl, the Prodigy and a dance floor?  Fucking seriously...

11. Iron and Wine - "The Trapeze Swinger"

I've made it this far without mentioning the sentimentality bug.  Well, fuck...  I could regale you with interesting (or sort-of-interesting, depending on your own personal level of narcissism) tales about this song, but I could write 10,000 words on what this songs means, and has meant, to me.  This song defined a time, a place, a relationship, a bout of depression, A New Hope (ha!) and the way that I think about music and the notion that certain songs can actually soundtrack our lives.  There are quite a few records and songs I think of this way, but few are more integral and embedded than this one.  I won't go into it now, but suffice it to say, it was sad.  And happy, in remembrance.  And hopeful.  And truthful.  And long.  Somehow the experience, feeling, emotion and scars lasted longer than this song...  And that's a feat as there's nineteen thousand verses in this song.  And each one is better and sadder than the last; just like life...

Well, goodnight y'all.  I've barely the competence to speak, let alone write, so I'm out.  Til we meet again...

Lyrics, huh, good God y'all, what are they good for??? Absolutely nothin'... Friday Night Playlist and shit...

One of the hardest things for me to accept and reconcile in the vast expanse of wasted space, dilapidated memories and deserted brain cells in this dang ol' cranium of mine (that sounds like a science-themed country song, if such a thing were to exist) is the fact that most people JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK about song lyrics.  Now, to be sure, I sort of get it.  Some people's relationship with music is an arm's length affair, at best.  Some might have even had a few run-ins, called the cops and got a restraining order against poor ol' music.  Music has definitely stolen dearly from me on many occasions.  I can't count how many times I've put on "Airbag" only to lose the next 53 minutes of my life to "OK Computer," AGAIN...  But shit, son, it's Friday Night.  Let's forgive and forget and be friends with the words so thoughtfully and carefully put together, in which to create a memorable story, lived-in and full of Love and Hope and Faith and Fear.  And, if it's a Bradley Wik (or Bruce Springsteen) joint, it'll be about the four pillars of Rock N' Roll:  Cars, Girls, Drinking and Rock N' Roll...  (Some) Artists (not me) struggle to tell tales from the heart, relating to us simpletons (well, not me since I'm part of them, but you fuckers) the vastness of human-ness that is our experiences on this short-go-round-on-the-spinning-blue-orb.  The very stories that make us feel less alone and more a part of this fucked up world; as always, spinning in infinity, amen, hallelujah.  If Paul Simon and Chevy Chase can't bring a smile to your face, then fuck you.  You don't deserve this limited view of God's creations, however imperfect, yet beautiful.  And, you definitely don't deserve this fucking list of awesome shit, as curated by the man himself:  Me.  The best bringer of the fucking shit since Jay-Z and Kanye decided to explode our meager minds by teaming up to become the real Masters of the Universe.  Who dare fuck with them and their musical prowess??  Not I, said the lowly maestro who carves out a simple existence in the realm of the living, not attempting to understand the unknowable brilliance that reigns down upon him, should he live to be so lucky.  I pity those who perished before enjoying "Niggas in Paris," though I'm sure that's the muthafucking song Peter plays to determine your worthiness of entry into the kingdom of Heaven.  Hell plays a mix of the Eagles, Grouplove, the Head and the Heart, Rick Astley (although personally I'm against his inclusion on the "soundtrack from Hell," literally), James Taylor, Josh Groban, Jackson Browne, Fun., and finally, the devils themselves, Mumford and Sons.  Wow, if that list ain't enough to restore your faith then I don't know what is.  Paul Simon and Kanye OR James Taylor and Fun.?  Fuck, their stupid fucking name fucks up my fucking punctuation.  Fuck them. They're so fucking stupid.  Seriously, FUCK FUN.!  But most importantly of all, fuck THIS.  Their reign as Indie Rock elites lasted about as long as a bout of untreated AIDS.  So mostly, we're just happy it's dead and it can't infect anyone else and ruin their respective lives, and their loved ones, as well.  So, with a Fun./AIDS joke sufficiently in hand, let's move on to the goddamn list...

1.  Fifth Harmony - "Worth It"

Look, if you started the night off with two martinis, you'd want to fuckin' rock that shit right off that bat too; and this song definitely hooks that shit up.  Gotta love a song that is just as much at home in my headphones, the club, the stripclub, the car, and pretty much any-fucking-where music plays.  I would have still loved this song if it came out a hundred years ago and I had to play it on a fuckin' gramophone I had to wind myself.  Still would get the party jumpin'.  Might've pre-empted the Civil War, George W. style.

2.  Kenna - "Freetime"

As a white kid growing up in Wisconsin, most of my childhood was spent listening to classic rock music.  Synths and shit made no fucking sense to me.  This was a hella-fun song for an 18 year old to drink and do white people dances to.

3.  Nena - "99 Red Balloons (Luftballons)"

So, full disclosure, this song is the real reason for the rant about people not listening to lyrics.  I asked a small focus group about this song, and not one knew it wasn't in English.  Fuckin' seriously.  That's how much people give a fuck.  100% knew the song and 100% didn't know it was in German.  Which, of course, also proves that 100% of my focus group hasn't watched THIS.

4.  Clipse - "When the Last Time"

So, what??!!  This shit was quite ahead of it's time.  Pharrell knows how to make two things:  Music and Money, and has a fuckload of both.  "Happy" might have been better as a PARODY, but no one can touch some of his earlier shit.  Like this next one...

5.  N.E.R.D - "Truth or Dare"

I wasn't sure what the fuck was happening to my 16 year old mind and body but I liked it.  If I could travel back in time to hear this song for the first time, I would in a second.  It's the equivalent of hearing "Visions of Johanna" for the first time.  In other words, FUCKING LIFE-CHANGING.  Hip-hop, Rock N' Roll, Pop, all sorts of shit colliding in the most beautiful way.  I still don't understand this album and relish it among my most valuable things.

6.  Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - "Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away"

Talk about hipster nonsense.  This shit was real, real fucking good.  They tapped into something with this record and I still love it to this day.  Hipster shit doesn't suck because it's fucking hipster shit, it sucks because it sucks.  This lands on the opposite end of that spectrum, proving that what's good is good, despite its inclinations.

7.  Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - "A King at Night"

 I'm sensing an early 2000's theme to tonight.  Seriously, I don't plan these things.  You're literally drinking and listening to music with me, in real time.  The line "She's a fine lookin' lady and she likes to go down on me.  And I like to go down on her, too," is like, wait, what?  This is a sad song that is funny and silly and Will has the balls to be all those things at once.  Genius.

8.  Britney Spears - "Email My Heart"

Drinking often leads to bad decisions but this isn't one.  I've owned, loved and listened to "...Baby, One More Time" since 1999.  I probably should be ashamed of this fact, but I'm not.  In fact, I'm quite proud of my fandom of Britney.  Young love always leaves the strongest impressions...

9.  Firehouse - "Love of a Lifetime"

When I was younger man (read:  a teenager), my buddy's dad had a music room we were strictly, and explicitly, forbidden to enter.  It was probably mostly the result of my buddy who was the consummate klutz and broke nearly everything he touched.  Or, it might have been the roughly $10,000 he invested in his stereo equipment and speakers that he didn't want young kids to fuck up.  Nevertheless, we would sneak in there when he was gone and go through his thousands of CD's, fire up his vintage Klipsch's and revel in the majesty that is Winger and, of course, Firehouse.  It's a very strange thing when a random album grabs my attention so hard and for so long, but that's exactly what happened with the self-titled Firehouse album.  I still listen to it, front to back, on a regular basis, nearly 18 years later.  If you haven't heard it, this song is the place to start.

10.  Cinderella - "Coming Home"

Speaking of 80's hair metal...  This might be the cheesiest of them all.  Which, of course, I love as I am from Wisconsin, after all.

11.  Feist - "Brandy Alexander"

This song is the reason I own Creme de Cacao.  Also, the reason I get sad sometimes.  And the remedy for sadness at other times.  Songs that can do that to me are rare and I love them for it.  More than they'll ever love me back...

12.  Adam Sandler - "At a Medium Pace"

As I mentioned previously, drinking always unleashes the sentimentality bug.  Who hasn't felt like "Shave off my pubes and punch me in the face" at times??

13.  Beck - "Debra"

The "Just... What the fuck?!" song of the week.  Not sure what the record is for consecutive listens of this song is, but I'm sure I'm getting close...

14.  Elliott Smith - "Say Yes"

Can't end on 13, so here's the last one.  That sentimentality bug is goddamn persistent and finally landed a bite.  Fuck him or her.  Does the sentimentality bug have a gender?  Not sure, but not sure if it matters unless they're fucking on, as well as with, me.  Fuck those little fuckers.  Either/Or this is the end.  Remember, you're only as old as you feel when you're drinking...  'Til next time, assholes!