I
would like to start by qualifying that, yes, after three days of snow in the
fair city of Portland, Oregon, I am still snowed in. In fact, my phone yelled at me violently, well, not yelled,
it was really more of a fire alarm at short range, that the City of Portland
has issued a statement urging people to stay inside and not travel due to poor
road conditions. Now, to the
layman, the everyday tax-paying citizen, if you will, the proper course of
action would be to, oh, I don’t know, maybe take some action. Maybe hire some plows and salt trucks,
something. Their advice was to
just sit tight, as it was supposed to warm up over the next couple of day and
the rain should, hopefully, wash away all the snow… What a plan.
They must be fucking geniuses.
Hopefully they all get re-elected, or better yet, they leave their
houses for some coffee or orange juice or a prostitute, whatever, and they slip
on the ice and the shitty, packed-in snow on their roadways and crack their
heads, and since everyone was advised to stay in they bleed to death, concussed
and unable to call for help, lying in the road, like the fucking morons they
truly are… Or at the very least,
they could stub their toes. And I
mean really stub it bad, like bend the nail back and chip a little off because
that’s what happened to me walking around my tiny apartment trying not to get
all “The Shining” all over everyone.
Anyways, I’m going to
devour five or six cups of coffee while I type, got to get this wonderful day
going. So, let’s move on to the randomness…
Cup of Coffee #1: Bruno Mars…
Now,
I haven’t actually written anything about the Super Bowl yet, or hardly even
spoken of it, since that tragedy of a football game on February 2nd,
2014, except to congratulate my friends who happen to be Seahawks fans. They should enjoy it though, as it’s
only a matter of years before Pete Caroll fucks the team over, they get busted
for cheating and their Lombardi trophy gets revoked(see: USC)… Just kidding, the NFL doesn’t revoke trophies like the
NCAA. Theres no real punishment
for cheating(see: Belichick)… Oh yeah, Bruno Mars. So, the one thing I did want to talk
about, in regard to that dreadful waste of advertising money(Tim Tebow’s “no
contract” ads were my favorite, if you were wondering, which I know you
probably weren’t), was the Bruno Mars halftime show. To be fair, most of the people I ask about this actually
LIKED his halftime performance and found it quite entertaining. And, since a lot of people I knew grew
up in the nineties, the RHCP thing was a nice touch. Like most things, I fall on the other side of the fence, I
fucking hated it. FUCKING HATED
IT. Maybe it’s the fact that he
constantly gets compared, by critics and therefore unthinking morons who have
been diligently trained, by facebook and twitter and 24-hour news, to
regurgitate talking points as if they were their own, to Michael Jackson and
James Brown. Not only are those
two giants of the music and entertainment industry that we’ll never see the
likes of again, they are also two of my favorite performers of all-time. No one will ever compare to Michael
Jackson. I’m pretty sure that’s
what Sinead O’Connor was singing about.
So, I take offense to that.
Also, it set a bar and a standard to which Bruno couldn’t possibly reach
even if he(or she, I’m still not sure exactly what this untalented lump of shit
is. The closest thing I can
approximate is that if James Brown, hence Bruno's blackness, had a retarded,
illegitimate child, who claimed all of his recessive genes, none of the talent
or creativity or awesomeness, and
that child knocked up Katy Perry, hence the shitty pop “music,”the resulting
baby would be called Bruno Mars) was talented at all. I think my favorite thing that was written about this, was
when Steven Hyden of Grantland wrote:
“A band comes onstage wearing suits that match what Mars is wearing. You
typically only get that sort of showmanship on cruise ships.” His overall review was pretty positive,
but still, I crack up every time I read that. To be honest, I wasn’t really listening to the songs. After about five seconds of each new
song, I wanted to murder someone.
But seeing as I was in a room full of people I had just met, I didn’t
want to make a bad impression.
Afterwards, I almost felt bad for Bruno. It’s bad enough to be a douche on national television, but
to be shown up by a fifty year-old RHCP, featuring Will Ferrell on the drums
and a guitar player who was either experiencing a bad acid trip or just ate
Jack in the Box and was trying desperately not to shit himself in front of
America, must not feel so
good. And he most certainly was
shown up. It’s clear RHCP were
comfortable and ready to rock, no matter how big the stage, as they’ve been
doing it for years. Bruno seemed
like he was trying to prove he wasn’t the product of James Brown’s retarded,
illegitimate, recessive-gened child and Katy Perry…
Cup of Coffee #3: Rick Astley…
Last
night, while being cooped up again in my shitty little apartment, I was trying
to pin down exactly what it was about Rick, and more specifically, the “Never
Gonna Give You Up” music video, that was so amusing to me. Maybe its because he looks like a
sixteen year old ginger who stole his fathers yachting clothes. Maybe its
because he sings lines like: “You
know the rules and so do I…” or “You wouldn’t get this from any other guy…” or
“I just want to tell you how I’m feeling…” Maybe its because the video features a random black dude who
likes to do flips while he’s cleaning and getting ready for work. Maybe its because Rick could be, quite
possibly, the worst dancer ever.
What the fuck is that side to side hand shimmy thing that he does the
whole song? It’s the single worst
white guy dance move I’ve ever seen and its so hard to watch. I never thought I would see someone who
made Phil Collins seem black by comparison. Rick could be be the whitest guy ever. Who knows. But, for any guy who feels like he’s unlucky with women,
Astley and the video for “Never Gonna Give You Up” is proof positive that any
guy can get laid…
Cup of Coffee #4: Random Lists…
Anyone
who knows me well knows that I love making lists. Top five albums or songs or movies or whatever. I know, very High Fidelity, but its
fun. By the way, if you have never
read the book, you need to stop whatever you’re doing, unless you’re listening
to Rick Astley and boning, then by all means keep it up, go find it(hint: there’s these things that the kids
hardly ever use anymore, ever since Al Gore invented the internet, called libraries
where they keep tons of books) and read it immediately. Nonetheless, here’s five random top
five lists for you…
Top
five human sensations or feelings.
Now, I’ve never been married, had a child or won the lottery, but I
assume those would be my top three if they should ever occur. Since, I’m not that lucky insofar,
here’s what I do know:
- Predictably,
having an orgasm.
- The
first time I put on socks after having cut my toenails. A close second...
- The
feeling I get just after having taken a large poop that’s been brewing for
a while.
- Taking
a shower when I’m really gross or dirty or sweaty or whatever. Very often following #1 or
#3. Hopefully “or” will never
turn into “and.” I have never
had, and cross my fingers, never will have, a sex-pooping problem…
- Peeing
after holding it for as long as humanly possible.
I’m kind of surprised at how low
“peeing after holding it” came in, but there you go.
Honorable Mention:
Performing onstage and eating, which leads me to...
Top five favorite sandwiches:
- Meatloaf,
which just might be my favorite food in general
- Egg
salad, I wish I had the patience to make egg salad but I don’t
- Tuna,
the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna
- Cucumber,
tomato and spinach, probably the most refreshing sandwich you can eat,
ever
- Meatball
sub from Subway, I think they put heroin in it because it always makes me
sick, and for some reason, I always want more
Honorable mention: Turkey, and I’m talking real turkey
like left-overs from Thanksgiving turkey, and the Reuben.
Top Five Monty Python Sketches:
- Upperclass
Twit of the Year
- Ron
Obvious
- The
Dead Parrot
- The
Ministry of Silly Walks
- The
Homicidal Barber/Lumberjack Song
Honorable mention: The Piranha Brothers, The Bishop and
Confuse-a-Cat
Top Five Ramones Songs:
- Blitzkrieg
Bop
- Sheena
is a Punk Rocker
- Judy
is a Punk
- Teenage
Lobotomy, how can you beat a line like: “Now, I guess I’ll have to tell’em that I got no
cerebellum”
- I
Wanna be Sedated
Honorable mention: Glad to See You Go, Rock N’ Roll High
School(partially, well mostly, because of my PJ Soles obsession), Cretin Hop,
Surfin’ Bird(Damn you Family Guy!), She’s the One
My
music listening goes in extreme patterns of obsession. I’ll listen to the same records for
months on end. Right now, the two
artists I am obsessing over are the two artists I’ve made Top Fives for. The first being the Ramones and the
second being…
Top Five Shania Twain Songs:
- Any
Man of Mine
- From
This Moment On
- Man! I
Feel Like a Woman!, my favorite memory of this song is when I was like 10
or 11 my good buddy’s seven year old little brother loved this song so
much and used to run around the house singing “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!”
all day
- Whose
Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
- I’m
Holding on to Love (to Save My Life)
Honorable mention: You’re Still the One, That Don’t
Impress Me Much
For the record,
I am a huge Shania Twain fan. Come
on Over and The Woman in Me are just great records. Each quite different in scope but both are chock full of
wonderful country pop. I even own,
and occasionally listen to, Up!
I’m not exactly sure the reason Shania’s music is so near and dear to my
heart. It probably has a lot to do
with nostalgia, as she was the biggest thing in the world when I was around 12, and she’s pretty easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean. But it also probably has a lot to do
with the fact that Come on Over and the Woman in Me are two great pop records
that are fun to listen to.
Five Random television facts:
The television character I would
most like to be: Brian Hackett,
Wings…
The television character that I
think the most like: Larry David,
Curb Your Enthusiasm…
The television character I would
most like to be friends with: It’s
a tie between Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock and Buddy Sorrell, The Dick van Dyke Show…
The television character I would
most like to be “friends” with:
Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks…
The television character’s alter
ego I wish we got to know sooner, before the television show was crappy and we didn't care anymore:
Serena, Samantha’s “evil” twin on Bewitched. Bonus Points for being the impetus to one of the weirdest
things I ever saw on TV: Quentin
Tarantino singing “I’m Gonna Blow You a Kiss in the Wind,” a song Serena sang
in the episode of Bewitched when she wanted to be a Rock N’ Roll star, on SNL…
If you couldn’t
already tell, I’m very bored from being trapped inside for so long without a
woman's touch…
Cup of Coffee #6:
Six cups of coffee before nine
o’ clock is just too much. So, I’m
going to go waste my time doing something else for a while. I’ll probably be back sooner than
later… Goodbye for now…
No comments:
Post a Comment