Who loves Top 5 lists? aka... Asperger's brain dump...

I’ve been so busy lately that I can barely think so I’m gonna make this easy on myself and do some random lists like I used to do. I’m not sure if having Asperger’s makes me more prone to liking lists (which is the way I keep most information stored in my head) or I would’ve been a list-man anyway. Either way, let’s do some lists!

Top 5 times I feel the most “Bradley Wik”

This is a weird category but I was thinking about this the other day. Back when I had a day job, I would constantly feel like I wasn’t myself. For example, the aforementioned day job required me to trade shows where I and my colleagues would all have to dress alike. There we all were in khakis and matching polo shirts. Most of it was standing there yelling at people (since there were so many people talking, normal conversation-level voices would not be sufficient) but when I had to go piss, I’d catch a glance of myself in the mirror and hardly recognized who was staring back at me. Neat hair, polo shirt, khaki pants? Not Bradley Wik. It would crop up in other areas of my life as well, but that was always the most shocking. So here are the top 5 times I feel the most “me.”

1) When I’m performing on stage in front of people

I know what you’re thinking. Why multiple prepositions in that short of a sentence? Why do you have to specify in front of people? People are assumed when you say “on stage.” Not if you’ve played some of the shows I have. I still remember those shows in NYC at 2am when even the sound guy would step out for a smoke. Some of my favorite memories actually… Or, you’re thinking it seems strange that when I’m performing I feel most comfortable, but it’s true. It just feels like home and I’m at my most loose and confident. Even my wife notices a difference when I step up there. For some reason, I need people to watch me be me to be more “me.” I don’t know if that means that I’m a fraud in the rest of my life or what but this is weirdly the #1 answer…

2) When I’m having sex

This should go without saying (or maybe it’s different for others), but I’m the least self-conscious with my pants off. Probably because I have other things to occupy my thoughts (or lack thereof). It’s mindless work, which I love as I can finally shut my overdriven brain off for a moment of peaceful clarity.

3) When I’m watching a Packers or Brewers game

I guess those could be two separate ones but they’re essentially the same. But again, my brain shuts off (apart from trying to figure out the strategy behind the games, especially baseball. My wife is always amazed when I can guess when things will happen during a baseball game. I’ve called so many strikeouts, hits, home runs, etc. over the years. It’s one of the few ways I can still impress her…) so I can “just be” in peace.

4) When I’m pooping

Maybe it’s just me, but I find this to be some of my most relaxing time each day. I savor my poop time. There are no expectations to work or do anything productive other than evacuate my bowels. It’s delicious. Also, with #4 being the best and my favorite number in the whole world (thanks Favre!), I had to give my favorite answer here.

5) When I’m in New York City

Yep. Just whenever I’m there. This would be higher on the list if it happened more frequently. My years living there were the best and every day I wish I was still there. I love living in Charlotte and NYC is not the same as it once was, but being back there last year made me love it even more.

Top 5 Movies I Watch When I’m Sad

1) The Wrestler

Years ago, when we first met, my wife once asked me what character from a movie would I say I’m the most like. I chose Randy “the Ram” Robinson. I stand by that, for better or worse. Probably says more about how messed up my priorities are but I thought the ending was actually happy. He got to go out on his own terms, doing the thing he loved and while being loved. That doesn’t sound sad to me…

2) Get Him to the Greek

I used to watch this movie so much that I could do a good Aldous Snow impression and once convinced (a very drunk, mind you) group of people I was actually British. Then, when I told them I was fucking with them, I almost got beat up. One of them stood up and shoved me. One of them actually took a swing at me, spilling her drink all over herself before storming off. Man, some people can’t take a joke. Good times…

3) The Wedding Singer

This is pure comfort food for me. I actually like the fake song he writes when he’s super depressed. And Adam and Drew are so good on screen together. Plus, Billy Idol cameo? Yes, please.

4) Bridesmaids

Upon first viewing, I didn’t like this movie very much. The advertising really did it a disservice. It’s not a quirky, silly comedy. It’s a full-blown drama with some hilarious scenes (emergency pooping is always funny). Wiig is so amazing in this and everything is better with a little Maya Rudolph. I think I connect with Wiig’s character in a way that maybe is only matched by a few other characters (see above) and I like that. It’s not easy for an Asperger’s to “feel” with other people and she somehow brings that out of me.

5) American Movie

No matter how sad/depressed I am, this movie can always pull me out. Maybe it’s the Wisconsinite in me, but Mark’s unending determination to achieve his goal is magical. I feel a kinship to that. I know his struggles. Maybe too well. But, like Mark, I too have something magical to give the world, whether or not they want it/are ready for it. He did it, so can I.

Honorable mentions: Grandma’s Boy (Linda Cardellini singing Salt-N-Pepa? Yes, please. I’ll take two.), Walk the Line and the Bob Dylan “documentary” “Don’t Look Back”

Top 5 Phil Collins/Genesis Albums

My wife says these are the same thing, and since she's always right, I’m lumping them together. I also didn’t realize how much I’ve spent on Collins/Genesis vinyl over the years…

1) No Jacket Required

This not only has my favorite Collins’ tune (“Sussudio”) but also my favorite song of his (“Take Me Home”). Wait, two favorites? Yep. That’s why it’s #1.

2) Invisible Touch

I probably sing along (or try to, Phil has a slightly better range than I…) to this album as much as any other record I own. Truly a triumph of music making and Genesis at the peak of their pop powers.

3) Abacab

I know you might be thinking: Abacab? Seriously? #3? But, I know that every time I put this on the turntable, I get the unending joy of hearing “Who Dunnit?” one more time in my life. It’s one of my great joys. I still don’t know who or how many drugs convinced Phil to allow this onto an album (assuming it’s the keyboard player’s song. Sounds like a keyboard man’s contribution…) but I’m grateful for each listen. If you’ve never heard this song, HERE IT IS. You’re welcome. Try getting that shit out of your head, ever.

4) Face Value

Would be higher if it wasn’t so sad. It’s a fantastic journey and experience to go on when I’m in the mood. I’m just less inclined on a daily basis to spin this album.

5) We Can’t Dance 

I still almost tear up when I thread this up and “No Son of Mine” comes through the speakers. And then I also have to DO THE DANCE whenever “I Can’t Dance” comes on. Love it.

So, there you go. Lists. How awesome are they? Yes.

(dictated but not read)

Asperger's hates me... aka... I think that's just Asperger's...

I was going to extoll the virtues of music and its impact in my life, but unfortunately, my day (well, two days) were upended by Asperger’s. You see, one of the worst things that can happen to an Aspergerian person (if that’s a thing) is they have to change their plans. This can show up in larger ways, like, say, having to work on your day off (like I did on Sunday, which is now officially football only day even though I hate the NFL and what football has become) or in small ways, like, say, not being able to eat cottage cheese and kiwi after playing a show because we’re out of kiwis; true story. But, the sad thing is that both things are often equal to the Aspergian mind, as illustrated by this Sunday where I had to work on a podcast instead of relax and Thursday, where I had to eat cottage cheese without kiwi since someone ate the two I was saving…

But, this is one of the downsides of having Asperger’s. I’ve noted the upsides a few different times on this blog, and I actually believe having Asperger’s is generally a good thing, like probably 70% of the time. It helps me focus on myself and my art by not caring what others think. It helps me eliminate mindless decisions, as too many decisions leads to fatigue. It helps me focus on tasks with its borderline obsessive nature. But, it also takes the smallest things and renders me in almost complete Aspergian panic mode. Here’s an example:

Tonight, I was at a songwriters meeting. I have never attended a meeting by this group so I had no idea what to expect. My wife said I should be prepared to play a song as they often have members play so they can give notes, give praise or just support each other. I was reticent as I was just attending to see what the meeting and the group was all about. Needless to say, they asked me to play a song. I didn’t want to but obliged. As my turn came up, I couldn’t think of what song I wanted to play because I was so in my head about having to play in the first place. I didn’t want to. I stepped in front of the microphone and gave an intro/backstory for a song I wanted to play and… played something else. I’m not sure why or how I landed on the song. It was a surprise to me and I could barely sing the song as I didn’t know what was happening. This wasn’t the song I wanted to play (or the song I’d intro’d) so I couldn’t keep up with the song. Since the speaker was on my right (my bad/Meniere’s ear), I started to have issues with hearing and worried I’d have a vertigo attack. I played and sang it about as poorly as I had in years. Since I play so often, it wasn’t unlistenable by any means, but it was in no way representative of my abilities and, since I had no idea what was happening, I was only along for the ride rather than controlling the performance. It felt weird. I felt disappointed in myself. I didn’t play or sing well and I should have known to have a song ready. I was angry until I got home turned on the TV to see Deshaun Watson and the Texans score a touchdown in 13 seconds only to see the Saints (whom I fucking hate, I’ll never forgive them for Bountygate and for essentially ending Brett Favre’s career, even though it was on the Vikings…) come back and win. Now, I was more mad about this than at myself for failing to perform to my standards.

My wife asked me why I was aggravated to begin with. Everyone has an off night. I’d been awake since 4am (thanks to my cat), which means I only got 2-3 hours of sleep so I shouldn’t have expected a brilliant performance from myself. But, that’s not how it works. I get aggravated when I have an off night practicing in my apartment. I’ve never expected perfection, but I know what I’m capable of and hate when I fall short. I especially hate when I fall short due to my mindset/Asperger’s. I hate that it can derail a simple thing like singing a song I’ve sang hundreds of times. Or when It makes me have a fight with my wife because I forgot to do something and now I’m just angry at everything. It sucks. But, even though I’m aware of it most of the time, that doesn’t mean I can control it. It still is what it is. It still controls me even when I know it’s happening. Just because you know it’s going to rain, doesn’t mean you can do much besides try and prepare yourself. But even then, it’s much stronger than I often realize and I still have Asperger’s whether I see it or not. Often, I know I’m doing its bidding but can’t do anything to change my behavior. It’s a helpless feeling. At least it doesn’t lay me up in bed for hours on end like Meniere’s…

I wish I had a great moral or ending to this story but it’s just another in a long line of Asperger’s moments. At least I didn’t have a full on yelling at myself, squeezing my head with my fists while my body shuts down and I literally (yes, literally) cannot move for who knows how long; so I got that going for me, which is nice…

Sorry for the short blog, but it’s so late and I’m already so tired. One thing they don’t tell you is how exhausting having an Asperger’s attack is. Although, I doubt that would help anything anyways…

(dictated but not read)

First Show in Charlotte and Top Five Arnold Movies... aka... Just a normal Monday!

Thanks to everyone who joined me Friday Night (is for the drinkers) at Summit Coffee Co.! It was my first official show in the Charlotte area and I couldn’t be happier to kick off this new season of my life and this new chapter in my music career. When I actually sit down to think about it, I feel very blessed to have lived the life I have and to have experienced the hospitality of nearly 10 cities at this point. Chronologically, Horicon/Mayville, WI, Madison, WI, San Francisco, CA, Los Angeles, CA, Seattle, WA, New York City/Brooklyn, NY, Portland, OR, and now, finally, and probably lastly, Charlotte, NC. Each city has welcomed and embraced me and my music (especially New York and Charlotte, seems like I’m an East Coaster at heart). Also, looking at that list, I realize my propensity for moving long distances, including three trips from coast to coast. I hope to never experience that again. As a younger man, it simply involved shipping my musical equipment, books, records, etc. to a FedEx store and flying myself, but as an older man, it’s slightly more involved as I now have years of merch, musical/sound equipment, and even furniture I’d like to keep, to move across the country. I hope, and feel, that this move to North Carolina is my last. All of which is to say, thank you for supporting my musical journey and I hope to see you again soon. It hasn’t been a normal life, but it has been an incredible one, that I’ve lived up until this point. I’m proud to say this kid from a town of less than 3000 people in rural Wisconsin has played hundreds of shows across this great country, sold thousands of records, heard his songs played on the radio (in the U.S. and Europe) and lived more than his fair share of life in his limited time on this earth. So, thank you Charlotte, for welcoming me one more time and I know you’ll be proud of me when this thing is through…

OK, enough of the mushy stuff, why are we here today? (Editors note: I forgot yesterday was Monday due to the holiday, which is why this is a day late) The answer is a question you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for me to answer: what are your top 5 (I love lists) favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movies?

OK, so maybe you haven’t felt like living your life has been a lie up until this point, when you can finally put your mind at ease about Bradley Wik’s top 5 Arnold movies, but I’m sure you’ve spent many a sleepless night trying to pare down his amazing career into a top 5 list? No? Just me? I’ve literally (cue Rob Lowe from “Parks and Rec” who now owns the word “literally” the same way Wallace Shawn owns the word “inconceivable” from his turn in “The Princess Bride”) lost many hours of sleep on this topic but then again, that may just be a weird, Aspergian obsession that comes and goes. If you’re a regular reader of the blog, you’ll know I love lists, hence:

• My Top 5 Neil Young (and all-time) Albums
• Top 5 Spinal Tap Songs and favorite live shows from Portland, OR
• Top 5 (or 27, kinda) things I should do before I die
• Top 5 albums I fall asleep to
  
  

Well, you get the idea… So, here’s the fucking list:

5) Junior

 

Ivan Reitman directing, Emma Thompson, another Danny DeVito pairing, and wait, buried the lede, a fucking pregnant Arnold? Of course this made the list. Probably, didn’t think it would be in my top 5, but it definitely is. I have to turn this movie on whenever it’s on cable (which is almost never). One of my favorite podcasts (and based off its popularity, many people’s favorite podcast) “How Did This Get Made?” even on gave this movie its blessing by mocking it. It’s absurd, ridiculous and implausible but also hilarious, ridiculous and so damn entertaining. Kind of misogynistic, but dumb enough to get away with it. I wish I was in the room when someone said the words “Picture this: Arnold is pregnant, Danny DeVito is his co-star, Emma Thompson is acting like Arnold looks like Robert Redford and the plot makes no sense, but who cares…” OK, maybe that wasn’t the pitch but it could’ve been.

4) Jingle All The Way

 

This was hard to put this low on the list. I know, given Arnold’s amazing career, how could this even crack the top 5? Well, this is my fucking list, so deal with it. Every year, my wife and I have a list of Christmas movies we can’t wait to watch (which includes all of the new cheesy/shitty Hallmark movies) like “Elf,” “Christmas Vacation,” “A Christmas Story,” “Die Hard,” “The Santa Clause,” well, you get the idea. But, of all the holiday movies, “Jingle All the Way” might be my favorite. Phil Hartman, the Seth McFarlane lookalike in the caroling scene, Sinbad acting, well, insane, Arnold fighting a room full of Santas… It’s all so amazing. A true Christmas classic… Who am I kidding, I mostly just love how Conan did his bits where he would pretend to interview Arnold and the always-cracking-up voice would say “Jingle all the Way!” more times than I can count…

3) Kindergarten Cop

 

This might have been my toughest decision, “Jingle All The Way” vs. “Kindergarten Cop.” But, after intense debate with myself, it came down to the fact that the “Kindergarten Cop” sequel starred Dolph Lundgren, which is awesome, and the “Jingle All The Way” sequel featured Larry the Cable Guy, which also happened…

2) The Terminator

 

I know, I know, how is this not #1? In fact, how is “The Terminator” and “Terminator 2” not #1 and #2 respectively? Well, despite it’s amazingly wonderful and random soundtrack (as a kid, I had a shitty Casio keyboard that had a record feature. But, it was also monophonic, meaning it could only record one note at a time. So, I would hit record, press all the keys as fast as possible and was constantly fascinated by how weird and random the recording playback would sound. But, years later, I realized that those recordings sounded similar to the Terminator soundtrack. Apparently, I could’ve made a lot of money pressing random keys on a keyboard/synth…), the incredibly original screenplay/story and the actors just fucking killing it, there is a movie of Arnold’s that I love more…

1) Total Recall

This movie embodies everything I love about the late 80’s/early 90’s. It has the huge set pieces, the ridiculous but engrossing (and mystifying) story and world-building, the action, the gore, the the-governments-out-to-get-us theme, the weirdness, a.k.a. a mutant with a genius baby growing out of his stomach that eventually gets shot in the head, a thrice-boobed lady and many shots of peoples eyes being sucked out of their heads by the oxygen-deprived Martian atmosphere, the overt product placement (Pepsi, Jack in the Box, Sharper Image, Miller Lite, etc.) and just plain insanity that makes movies teeter on the precipice of amazing/campy. I still can’t believe they remade this movie as it was perfect in its original incarnation. It’s the type of original storytelling that our current movie scene could use. I wish they still funded weird/creative as fuck projects like this nowadays. We could all use a little Arnold, hot Sharon Stone, badass Michael Ironside (as if there’s another kind…), Paul Verhoeven-directed madness in our lives. “See you at the party, Richter…”

Honorable mention goes to: “Terminator 2,” “Twins,” “Predator” and “Conan the Barbarian”

(dictated but not read. Well, this one was kinda read, but not totally, so excuse the msitakes)

It’s hard to get a good picture of me performing as I make a lot of funny faces when I sing. This is about as good as can be reasonably expected…

Why Asperger's can be good (sometimes)... aka... eliminating wasted energy through routines...

What week is it? I think I missed last week, unless I didn't... Turns out when you don’t have a normal “day job” days are less defined by dates/days and more defined by events. Monday? Nope, day I have an audition at such-and-such. Tuesday? Not really, more like the day I have a couple meetings about podcast producing and have to put together sets for Friday’s show. Thursday? Oh, you mean the day I edit podcasts until I crash and fall asleep at 10pm (a.k.a. very early for me). You get the point. So, I (don’t) apologize if I missed a week. Also, I’m working on about three hours sleep, so forgive any errors, poor sentence structures, words that are… I don’t know, bad. You get it, right?

But this week, I’d like to talk about Asperger’s and how it can actually be a positive, especially for self-employed people who have to make lots of decisions daily that may impact their livelihood. Look, we all know making decisions, especially ones that could affect our income, is hard. Decision fatigue is a real thing. Sometimes we just want someone to tell us what to do. That’s the charm of a “day job.”

In a former life, I used to work at a paint store. It was kinda shitty, but paid enough to cover my expenses and worked well for me at the time. I would get up, ride the bus to work, people would tell me what they want and I would make it for them. Sounds simple, right? It was, mostly. It was the perfect job for a young, often hungover musician who stayed out way too late, and since he was just starting out, was often playing during weekday nights. I doubt an accounting firm would deal with me strolling in, unkempt and unshowered, with long hair and my dirty, paint covered clothes. OK, that last one was because of the job, but you get the idea. It was nice to not have to put together business plans, look at the 50-60 hours I would be working that week and start from scratch on how to fill them, wake up at 6am to go to local networking meetings (I do enjoy meeting my fellow small business owners, just not the 6am part…), and so on and so forth. I liked having someone tell me to stop and go eat lunch (which I often skip nowadays, though not intentionally). Even the clothes/uniform I had to wear was dictated to me.

Which brings me to my point: Asperger’s now helps me with some of this. I, like many with Asperger’s/Autism, am very into routines. You could say I love routines. Or, more accurately, that I need routines. LIKE I MENTIONED A FEW WEEKS AGO, I am a creature of habit. But, because of that, there are many little decisions I don’t have to make during a given day/week which helps me focus more energy on the bigger decisions and getting real work done. I’ll give you a few.

For instance, I eat the same thing every day for lunch (when I actually stop to eat it): 2 fried eggs, shredded roasted chicken (I get a whole chicken every Wednesday and Sunday since it’s $2 cheaper at my local Harris Teeter those days) and spinach, divided up between three corn tortillas (always from Mission, my favorite tortillas and chips in the world) and topped with salsa verde. It’s delicious, nutritious and I never have to think or waste time/energy on lunch. I am usually thinking about the second third of my day (the first third, 9am-1pm, is generally office/computer work, the second, 1-5pm, is usually meetings or podcast-related work, depending on the day, and the third, 6pm-12am, is going to shows/playing shows/general musician stuff) while cooking. Or, I’m thinking about a new song idea. Or, who I should follow up for booking shows. Again, not thinking about what I’m doing (cooking), but thinking about other business things that are more beneficial to me.

Same goes for clothes. I hate wasting time thinking about what to wear. Instead, I have two pairs of jeans, one nicer pair for when I wear dress shirts/jackets, and one pair for when I wear t-shirts. My dress shirts and t-shirts rotate. Whenever I wear/wash one, it goes to the bottom of the pile. I simply determine if this is a nice-pair-of-jeans event (show, fancy dinner, date or business meeting) or normal-pair-of-jeans event (pretty much everything else) and grab from the top of the appropriate pile of shirts. Done. Simple. My boots go with everything.

Same goes for scheduling. Mondays is all music, all day. Music emails/computer work/blog in the morning (sometimes this blog is late night fodder to keep it interesting), meetings and venue scouting/pitching/in-person follow-up in the afternoon, open mic at the Evening Muse at night. Wednesday is similarly set up. Tuesday and Thursdays are for office work, business planning and podcast-related work. Saturdays I try to set aside time to meet with friends and for brainstorming with my wife. Shows are the wild-card. Those could be any night of the week, but that’s why I schedule days but not my nights. Sundays are for cleaning the apartment and relaxing. I usually cook big dinners Thursdays and Sundays to give us leftovers for Friday and Monday, as I’m usually busy those evenings so I need something done up so my wife has something substantial to eat for dinner.

Which is another case in point, she works way harder and way more than me. She also makes more money and is much more successful than me (probably because she’s also much smarter than me). But, because of that, she has no capacity for normal life decisions like shopping or cooking, as she can't decide what/when/how she wants to make something. Her brain is fried from the hundreds of decisions/tasks she does every day. I’ve seen her have decision fatigue on what to wear. She factors in what we’re doing, who we’re meeting, where that’s going to be, will there be air conditioning on (she’s always cold), will she be mostly sitting or standing, will she be taking photos for social media, etc., etc. And she’s right to do that. She is the face of her business and has to present as such, and she should be comfortable. I’ve also seen her skip lunch because she couldn’t figure out what to make. She was just so exhausted from working/making decisions that one more decision just wasn’t going to happen.

The other benefit of Aspergian routines, is that it takes the fear/anxiety/dread out of tough decisions or actions. Don’t want to spend the day in a new town introducing your music to new people/venues trying to get booked? Too bad, that’s what you do on Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Don’t want to step in front of 100 people and pitch your music and podcast businesses? Too bad, that’s what you do on Wednesday mornings. (For the record, I love anytime a room full of people have to listen to me talk, or play. But, I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Waking up before 8am is the hardest part for me.) Hate sitting in front of a computer sending out follow up emails and tracking those in an excel spreadsheet? Me too, but that’s what I do most Wednesday and Friday afternoons.

Unfortunately, eating the same things every day doesn’t work for most people. Wearing the same things over and over doesn’t work for most people. Most people like to choose their clothes and dress up. Most businesses don’t allow for doing the same things on the same days. I get it. But, all of this is to say, sometimes having Asperger’s is pretty damn awesome. It’s not when my wife is mad at me for reacting emotionally inappropriately to something or someone, but it can be for helping keep my brain free from clutter and away from spending energy making insignificant decisions.

(dictated but not read)

Titles are hard... aka... no they're not, I'm just tired and kinda drunk... Top 7 random songs I'm listening to tonight

So, as I sit here sipping my Evan Williams Bonded (being a musician doesn’t often afford you the good stuff, so this is the best I can do for now. Which, all things considered, Evan Williams White Label is a pretty damn good $12 bourbon) after a long night of music at the Evening Muse (read: it’s late. Like 1am right now), I have the urge to drink and listen to some really random music that’s still on my iTunes from like fucking sixth grade until I fall asleep on the couch, then drag my dead-ass tired butt to bed. Some people call these guilty pleasures, but I’m not ashamed to say I love a single one, so I guess they’re just “random pleasures.” Which sounds like a sex toy shop. Anyways, since I had to write a blog anyways, let’s do this together.

Now, to be sure, I am not ashamed of liking any of these tunes. Some of them I play personally when I’m drunk (but not too drunk to forget the chords or the lyrics) or add to party playlists to see if the room is as cool as I am (they rarely are) with some really random shit. I’m not totally sure where this may go, but I’ll at least get you started on my first five or so tunes. Fuck it, let’s go!

1) “You Only Get What You Give” - New Radicals

This is often a jumping off point for me on nights like this. I fucking love this song. I may have posted about how much I love this song and the weird, mall-inspired music video but I cannot contain how much this song makes me feel good. That sentence doesn’t really make sense but you get the point. Bonus points to the guy for having a massive hit, realizing he hated the music industry (in ‘98 or ‘99 no less, when they were still at least investing in artists…), getting sick of being asked to write “You Only Get What You Give,” the sequel and quitting while he was ahead. Not everyone wants to be Smash Mouth…

2) “My Favourite Game” - The Cardigans

I know I’ve posted this before sometime, but who gives a shit. This is about what I’m listening to tonight and this is currently on. There’s a lot of pressure to say something profound in the four minutes before a new song song starts. I have nothing like that to say now. So, I’ll just remind everyone that I found this song via Gran Tourismo 2 for the original Playstation. My buddy and I would stay up all night playing it so we’d inevitably hear this song more than a few times. I might love it via Stockholm Syndrome but either way, it’s on and I’m singing along (quietly, as it’s 1:08am currently). Speaking of video games, if you want a truly scary experience, play the original Silent Hill video game with the sound off and Jimi Hendrix’s “Electric Ladyland” playing in the background. Maybe we were just beyond exhaustion but that was a truly terrifying experience. Without the game sounds, everything scared us twice as bad as it should have. Why am I talking about video games? Damn you, Cardigans!

3) “Give It Away” - The Red Hot Chili Peppers

“What I got you gotta give it to your mama…” “What I got you got to get it put it in you…” Yep, those are both in the first verse so you know what you’re getting yourself into with this one. Man, RHCP used to be so weird and badass. The video, just fucking weird… I was such a huge fan of these guys. I owned every record (thank you BMG music group! 12 for the price of 1, cancel membership, rinse and repeat!) and played the shit out of them. I wanted to be John Frusciante, minus the heroin addiction, of course. It’s weird, I always wanted to be a singer but since I had no natural talent for it, I wanted desperately to be a bluesy-funky-rock guitar player. And I was until I ran out of people to play with and found it was easier to be on my own. I had started writing songs when I was 17 but they were fucking terrible and stayed that way until I was, what, maybe 22 or 23. But what magical life insights is a 19 year old supposed to have. I had decent tunes, but the lyrics were shit and made no sense. Plus, at the time I was obsessed with Bob Dylan, so everything was so esoteric, or standard folk fare. Topics included John the Baptist, saints, poets with bells in their shoes, fortune teller’s maids, princes and paupers, trains, but most of all, ramblin’. Why are we talking about this? My train of thought has rambled on… Ha!

4) “Killing in the Name” - Rage Against the Machine

If this isn’t one of the greatest songs ever, I don’t know what is. Needless to say, 12 year old Bradley was very righteous and angry. This was right around the time of the George W. and Al Gore presidential race, then came the unjustified war with Iraq after 9/11 and the first time I was hearing about what the police were doing to black people across the country via Dave Chappelle’s HBO comedy special “Killing Them Softly.” I got a subscription to TIME magazine shortly thereafter to start to learn about these things. Shortly thereafter, I realized TIME magazine was kinda bullshit (Bob Dylan was right in “Don’t Look Back”). But, most of all, when you’re 12 and someone is shouting “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” you’re going to fall in love, hard… But, even after all that, I still had to be talked out of joining the military when I graduated High School. I was so impacted by 9/11 (like so many others) that I felt I had to enlist. But, by the time I could, the war was long over and everyone had already realized it was kind of a mistake (read: huge clusterfuck). So, I slowly changed my mind back to becoming a Rock Star, which I am, but the just a barely scraping by kind of Rock Star. I’d like to drink Woodford Reserve but I’m an Evan Williams level star…

5) “Father of Mine” - Everclear

This song still makes me bleary eyed. Not teary, but bleary for sure. There was a time when I thought Art Alexakis was writing songs just for me. “Father of Mine” and “I Will Buy You a New Life” sounded just like this poor, small-town boy who never really knew his dad/drug addict/abusive/compulsive liar/hopefully dead person and who grew up on bologna sandwiches and Hamburger Helper. I have to say though, I feel sort of blessed to grow up in the time and place and how I did. There was lots of love from my mother and sister (and eventually, my brother) and I learned to not need much beyond that. It’s a good lesson for those trying to make a career out of music or anyone who feels like they are missing out because of a lack of money. It also makes it easier to appreciate the things I do have and that I have the ability to make music for a living. 12 year old Bradley never would have dreamed of making records, hearing those records on the radio and playing hundreds of shows to people who like his music. 12 year old Bradley couldn’t know the sense of honor and pride he would feel when a soldier returning from a tour of duty would tell him his music helped him, a true American hero, make it through the tough times. 12 year old Bradley couldn’t imagine how cool it would be to jump into the crowd and dance with a group of deaf people who liked the way his music made them feel so much they came to his rock n’ roll show to let loose and have a good time. Sometimes poor, rural kids can do great things, even if it doesn’t mean making tons of money. Money can’t buy those things. But I feel I appreciate them more because of how I was raised…

Wow, I’m way off topic now. But, there’s a line in “I Will Buy You a New Life” that goes “they have never been poor, they have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas” that always kills me. One of my favorite Christmas memories was the year we didn’t have much after moving to Horicon, WI (Marshmen for life! Just kidding…) and my sister and I made a board game as a family Christmas present. It was called “Race to the Presents” I think. I got a Bible with my name on it, which is one of the few things I’ve kept with me through all the moves over the years. Playing our homemade board game and cracking open that Bible for the first time are memories I will never forget. Store bought gifts come and go, but there’s an undeniable beauty in appreciating the things that matter so much more.

6) “My Own Prison” - Creed

I know what you’re thinking, “How the fuck can anyone listen to fucking Creed? Seriously, Bradley, fucking Creed?! Really?!” Well, let me explain. I had a friend growing up whose father was a pastor. He wasn’t allowed to listen to most music as it was the work of the devil. I vividly remember him telling me, once I had started playing music, that any music that wasn’t in praise of God (or Jesus, if that’s your bag) was the devil’s work. I can never erase the memory of him playing Pearl Jam’s cover of “Last Kiss” and basing a whole sermon on how it was poison for people and a great example of what music shouldn’t be. What the fuck?! At least use the Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers version for christ’s sake. Don’t blame Pearl Jam for a cover song they recorded for a fucking benefit CD for refugees. But, he did allow anything that was so-called “christian” so Third Eye Blind and Creed were OK. So, we spent a lot of time listening to that first Creed record and I learned to like it since it was the best we could do. Although, it is funny to note that when his parents would leave, we would instantly put on Dio’s “Holy Diver” album and blast it as loud as we wanted to; there was nothing but cornfields surrounding his house and sing along to every word. Not exactly christian music, but tell a teenager he can’t do something and he’ll probably do it the most extreme version possible…

OK, we can’t end on a fucking Creed song, so one more.

7) “Don’t Cry” - Guns N’ Roses

Setting apart the fact that the video is quite sexist and sometimes hard to watch, and that Axl has sang/said some pretty racist shit, this song murders. Guns N’ Roses was so fucking good. I was watching a David Bowie documentary earlier tonight and it’s amazing how many songs he released before finally having a hit. Guns N’ Roses started with fucking “Appetite for Destruction” (“Paradise City,” “Welcome to the Jungle” and fucking “Sweet Child O’ Mine” all from one album) and then made “Use Your Illusion” parts I and II which were both fucking fantastic. I’m not sure how they came out of the gate so strong but I imagine cocaine was involved. Cocaine’s a hell of a drug…

It’s approaching Elliott Smith time (aka 2:45 in the morning) as I took a short break for a snack and came back to writing this. I hope you enjoyed the random walk through Bradley’s mind. See you next week!

(dictated but not read)

Meniere's disease and Asperger's team up to fuck with Bradley... aka... just another Wednesday night...

Well, unfortunately, Meniere’s happened again…

So menacing, right? What happened? How bad was it? You weren’t playing music at the time, were you? Not in front of an audience though, right?

Yes. Vertigo attack. 7 out of 10. And yes, I was playing at the time. Yes, it was in a public setting.

I’m not sure what it is about shows that can trigger it from time to time, but it’s been probably six months since I last had any Meniere’s issues. For those unfamiliar with Meniere’s, it is an inner-ear disorder that results in tinnitus, hearing loss, “stuffy ear” feelings, which then cause balance problems and, if it’s bad enough, like it was this past week, full on, room-spinning, nausea-inducing vertigo; which, can sometimes trigger my Asperger’s brain to short-circuit and leads me to fully shut down (read: temporary paralysis), which is horrifying and even more panic-inducing than the whole vertigo thing, which can sometimes be a good thing as once my paralysis faded (about twenty or so minutes later) my brain was no longer focused on the vertigo so that got better (slowly, but still) as a result. See, sometimes awful things can have positive effects.

But, of course, I was playing music. I was done for the evening but things wrapped up early (when does that ever happen in musical situations?) and I got to go sing some more. I got up to go to the bathroom and something felt off. My head was not right. One and half glasses of wine over nearly 3 hours doesn’t do that. Hmm, I thought but brushed it off. Maybe it was the wine-americano-wine combo. I was tired and the caffeine sounded good. Maybe it was being outside in the warmer weather for a few hours. Maybe it was all of the above. It probably was all of the above, who am I kidding? Regardless, I was like “whatever, I’ve played through some dizziness/light-headedness before. No big deal.” 

I got my guitar out and started to tune up (or check the tuning as my trusty Martin D-15 rarely goes out of tune). My vision was suddenly not what it should be. It wasn’t blurry but I could tell it wasn’t right. Was I nervous? That would be weird. Why would I be nervous? I’d already played earlier and did well. I was singing with Brianne and everything was sounding great. It was a cool spot and the sound was good, so why did I suddenly feel an impending doom?

As I walked towards the stage, the dizziness really set in. I was suddenly thinking “one foot in front of the other. Just keep going.” The guitar cord was underneath the mic stand foot, but I couldn’t get myself to bend over and get it loose. I wanted to make a joke about the song, but didn’t for some reason. I started playing and I could tell the tempo wasn’t right. I couldn’t keep it steady. I started to sing but I felt tone-deaf. I didn’t know where I needed to be and I couldn’t fix it anyways. My right ear felt like someone jammed in an ear plug and pushed it way too far in. Just get through it. I wished I was not singing with someone else at that moment because there are tricks you can do when your pitch isn’t quite right but I’d have to change up how I sang the song and there’s no way Brianne would be able to follow along if I started switching things up on the fly. Just get through it. I considered just stopping and walking off. But no, just get through it. I got to a break in the song where a guitar solo would normally be and tried to play it up to the crowd a bit but I felt like was gonna fall over. I could barely make eye contact with Brianne. Just get through it. Finally, the big ending to the song. I think I hit a couple of the big finishing notes sorta OK enough to make people forget how terrible the rest may have been. Maybe, maybe not, but at least it was over. I nearly fell down the stage steps while walking off. I could get my guitar into its case for some reason. It took about a minute or two to just set it in there and latch it closed. By now, I knew what was happening and what was coming.

I didn’t want to be a dick and just walk out as there was another singer up there for a couple tunes. I sat and tried to not look like I was gonna pass out at any moment (though I wish that was an option vs. the 3 or 4 hours of vertigo). As soon as they wrapped up, I thanked everyone and made a quick exit. I got home, got a glass of water and immediately felt nauseous. I had to turn off the ceiling fan as the whole ceiling was already spinning enough for me. Over the next hour it got worse and worse. I couldn’t move or it somehow got even worse. Then, after probably an hour or two (who knows?) the paralysis set in. I couldn’t move. I was thinking “this is easy, just move your fingers” but I couldn’t. My brain had shut everything down. It was overwhelmed and gave up. OK, this has happened before, I thought to myself. But, that quickly gave way to panic. What if it doesn’t come back this time? It didn’t last this long last time, did it? I can’t deal with this AND vertigo right now, can’t one of you fuck off for a bit?

As you can tell by my having typed this out, my muscles slowly came around. Funnily enough, and this has never been the case before, but it was actually my asshole that saved me this time. I felt nauseous and though I might shit myself and when a fart (or poop, I don’t know) was about to come out I was able to clench my asshole. I did it again to make sure it was under my control. It was. Since I could do that, could I wiggle my fingers? I could! Suddenly, it all came back to me. Thank fucking god! And since that had dominated my brain for the past half hour, my vertigo was on the decline. I still couldn’t sit up or move that much but I didn’t feel like I was gonna die at any moment anymore. Another hour later and I could sit up and drink some water. I was massively dehydrated by this time. And exhausted. So exhausted. But I still couldn’t close my eyes for more than a minute without getting super dizzy again.

Another 30-60 minutes (again, who knows at this point..) and I was able to stand up. I was able to go get some more water and walk back without running into things. It felt great. I slept until 1pm the next day. Still a little foggy and not feeling 100% until about 8 or 9pm that next night.

Sounds fun, right? Well, hopefully this means I’m good for the next six months or so (knocks on wood) but we’ll see. Isn’t it awesome when my Meniere’s and my Asperger’s work together to fuck with me royally?

So, anyways, if you see me playing a show and it sounds like I’ve forgotten how to sing and I look like I can barely stand up, I’m not just wasted beyond belief. I wouldn’t waste my or the audiences time with that nonsense. It turns out, I could be struggling horribly. So, be kind, accepting and buy lots of merch to cheer me up…

(dictated but not read)

The hardest part of moving? Learning a new grocery store, of course... aka the wonderful world of Asperger's meltdowns...

There’s something wonderful about being exhausted. Not emotionally, of course, like I was for years living out in Portland, OR, but physically. Like having spent the past couple weeks going out every single night and meeting and talking with people to try and figure out this new city (Charlotte, for those not keeping score at home). For an Aspergerian man such as myself, meeting, talking to and constantly being around people is tiring. It’s hard to do. It’s work. But, it’s also invigorating to have new people to meet, new places to see, new weird, half-extremely-gentrified neighborhoods (looking at you, NODA) to explore and new music to hear. It’s fun to feel like my life has a purpose again, like I have something to wake up for each day. Sure, I’ve been playing music the past couple years (and making AWESOME MUSIC VIDEOS), but not aggressively and constantly like I’m used to. It’s weird to go a month without performing, which I did many times over recently. It doesn’t feel right. I didn’t feel like me. It was weird to feel like I was playing someone else but I was. Bradley Wik doesn’t sit at home on a Friday night. Friday night is for the drinkers, after all. But, I let my Aspergian impulses get the better of me. I was so burned out and angry at the Portland, OR music scene (and for good reason, it’s terrible…) that I had relegated myself to writing and doing home recordings. I have 2 albums that I will be releasing next year plus the remnants for an awesome B-sides EP or the beginnings of another album. I’ve delved deep into learning about and exploring my Asperger’s. One of the albums is explicitly for those who suffer from it or those wanting to hear what it feels/sounds like to live with it. That album also dabbles with my Meniere’s disease (an inner ear disorder affecting hearing, balance and vision), sprinkling in some wonderfully depressing sounds to help articulate Meniere’s for those lucky enough to not know what it’s like. As you can probably infer, it’s an upbeat, poppy record… Oh wait…

But, if you did actually think that, you’re in luck! The other album is what has been lovingly referred to by the few who have heard demos as Folk-Synth-Space-Pop. Which seems to be pretty damn accurate if I say so myself. It’s not a genre yet, but I’m sure I’ll make it one. So I have that going for me, which is nice…

But, what I really wanted to discuss this evening is one of the hardest things for an Asperger’s to do: go to a new grocery store.

Going to the grocery store is a weekly or bi-weekly (as in twice a week, not once every two weeks. Why didn’t they come up with a different prefix for those two? English is fucking stupid sometimes…) event that becomes routine; very routine if you have Asperger’s (at least for me, not speaking for everyone here). Routines are good for me. They ground me and give me purpose. I love doing things spontaneously, so long as I planned on being spontaneous first. There are so many nights I’ve ruined because we didn’t do what we had planned to do (even if I didn’t really want to do it to begin with). I get grumpy, aggravated, short with those around me and just generally difficult to be around. I may actually think the new plan is better, but I hate when my expectations are changed without warning, and without my control. I’ll change plans regularly but if someone else does, god forbid. So, needless to say, going to the grocery store needs to be simple, on my schedule and without surprises.

Which, having moved to a new city with new grocery stores (still owned by Kroger, but still), I had to, and still am adjusting to. Let me explain how infuriating, confusing, frustrating and debilitating this can be. When I lived in Portland, I went to Trader Joes. Every week, almost always on Friday, I would go. I had the area of the lot I liked to park in. I had my route through the store mapped out. I had my staples and variables and their locations memorized for ease of purchasing. I bought almost the exact same things every single week: sourdough bread, blueberries, broccoli, avocados, almond milk (damn you, lactose-intolerance!), eggs, tortilla chips, chicken tenderloins (for making Bradley’s famous fried chicken), ground beef, ground turkey, boneless salmon, turkey cold cuts, Trader Joes habanero salsa, mayonnaise, polenta (until I got food poisoning from eating it), rice and Louis Jadot Beaujolais; in that order. Fucking literally. Go to the Trader Joe’s on SE 39th just off Holgate and you’ll see the route I took based on that food. In the doors, down the right into produce, to the back wall with the meat, skipping the middle aisles and hitting the last aisle before the wine section. Occasionally, I would venture out and buy some cashews or some shit, but that was it. Every week or every other week when stuff would back up and I’d have extra. But that’s what I bought and ate for years. I like it. I knew where everything was and how much it cost and what meals I could make with it. Things were good. But there’s no Trader Joes near my house anymore… So…

Now, it’s Harris Teeter. It’s right across the street, which is convenient, but it’s different. Different brands, different layout, different prices, different everything. At first, I was excited to find new foods and try new things. Two weeks ago I got so frustrated I left my cart and walked out. I just wanted my stuff. You know, the same stuff I had eaten for years. But, here it was hard to find and it more expensive and there wasn’t salmon and I couldn’t find the almond milk (damn you, back corner!). I don’t even remember what exactly triggered it but I had a mini-meltdown (not a full-blown, hard-to-breathe, pulling my hair and squeezing my head with my fists meltdown). I just remember wandering and looking and trying to read the stupid aisle signs to figure out what I was missing, going from one side all the way to the other, not finding what I wanted and becoming increasingly hostile. There wasn’t one thing that set me off but I started shaking and sweating, was cursing up a storm to myself and wanted to scream. I wanted to trash the frozen food aisle which I ended up in somehow and punch someone in the face. I was so mad I almost put my fist through a glass door by the ice cream. Instead, I just left. I had a frozen pizza at home so I could make that and try again tomorrow when I was in a better headspace. The whole episode feels like an oncoming storm. At first the clouds roll in, the wind picks up and a light rain starts to fall. Soon, the sky turns black, the wind becomes loud and violent, my eyes fire the lightning bolts and the thunder echoes so loudly in my brain that I need to do something to release it. Sounds become garbled. My vision narrows. I struggle to unclench my jaw. Words fail me. My face turns red and my breathe becomes labored. My brain feels like it has swelled up and won’t fit into my skull, instead pushing at my skull to release its constraints and let it out. Suddenly, my day is ruined.

But, I also I did the same thing at Target. And most Targets are the same anyways, but I was just trying to find breathe right strips (damn you, sleep apnea!) and a decent toilet plunger (damn you, low flow toilet!). I tried the bathroom area, the kitchen area and everywhere in between. Turns out plungers are in the pharmacy section towards the end, just past the men’s shaving stuff by laundry soap. I still don’t know where the fuck breathe right strips are. I haven’t gone back to that Target since. Fuck it. Don’t put shit in logical places then fuck you. There’s a million other places to buy household shit. So, fuck off Target. We’re through…

On the flipside, I’m so fucking pumped to be in Charlotte, NC. Everyday, I wake up and feel energized. I feel new. It feels good to feel new. Except when it impedes my grocery shopping…

(dictated but not read)